Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Making a Plan

So, I have issues. Seriously, who among us does not, but I am not only aware of my issues, but am wanting to face them head on. Not by my strength alone, because if I could conquer them by my strength, they wouldn't truly be issues that I am struggling with. But the thing is, I don't want to pass these on. I think that there is some validity to the idea of generational curses if they are left to rule and wreak havoc in our lives, and until they are faced head-on and conquered in the Name of Jesus Christ, they are too easily passed on. So my desire is that my issues end with me.

See, the thing with issues is that they can seriously take up your time and energy as you obsess and are consumed by them, drawing your attention away from God and the marvelous things that He wants to do. The biggest issue that I am facing right now is my struggle with weight and my addiction to food. I hate typing that. I hate seeing it actually put out there, and even in this moment I am wondering if I should post this at all. Somehow putting down in print makes it real, and not just some silly notion floating in my head. No, it's real. I don't want others to know my weaknesses, like German Chocolate cupcakes with
coconut frosting on them. I know there's a plate of them sitting on my counter, but if I know me like I think I do, they won't be there for much longer. Disgusting, isn't it?

It shouldn't be that hard. It shouldn't be that difficult to walk away from a plate of cupcakes, or any other sweet, or fried, or baked anything. It just requires a small amount of will power, right? I can control what I put into my mouth. Well, I should be able to control what I put in my mouth. But for some reason, I will start the day off with the best of intentions to eat healthy, but by mid-day, I find myself blowing it, completely oblivious to the vows I made just a few hours earlier. That is, right up until I glance at myself in the mirror and wonder who the overweight broad is that has taken up residency in my body. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate that my clothes don't fit and I hate that I actually had to go up a size, or two. I hate that I had to look in the "Big Lady's" store to find clothes that fit this stretched out body. I hate that I can't go into normal stores now, as they don't carry my size.


Why can't I beat this? Why is this such a stronghold in my life? I have been drug addictions. I have beat alcoholism. I have beat so many other issues in my life. Why is this one so strong over me? I have to beat this. I will not pass this on to my daughters.

I'm making a plan to beat it. Again, somehow putting it out there for all the world to know, or all two people who read this blog, makes me accountable. Makes it real. So, here goes:

I have started the "The Couch to 5K Running Plan." (Thank you, Donita, for sharing it.) I have officially finished Day 3. Whew! Don't mock the title. I fit into the "couch" category currently. But did I mention that I have finished Day 3?

I am swimming on the days that I am not walk/running. I grew up swimming competitively, so this is something I can flow back into, obviously much slower and weaker, but I can still float in water.

Sunday I will rest (Sabbath and all).

100 crunches a day (I need to learn how to work these in. Not really looking forward to it. My belly looks like it has carried three babies. Oh wait, it has. I guess the Oreos don't really help it either.)

30 push ups a day. Again, not really excited about this, but my arms have that old-lady-hang-down working for them, and that's just not right.

What else...so, my plan is to do a 5K race in October. October 11th, to be exact. Wanna suffer...I mean, run it with me?

From there, assuming I am still standing and able to walk, I will start training for a half marathon in January. January 17th to be exact. Wanna join me? Seriously, I need accountability for this one.

AND THEN, if I am still standing, able to feel my feet and walk at that point, well I'm just gonna have to sign myself up for a triathlon in May. I don't have the exact date for that one yet, but I will. And I actually have a friend who has already committed to doing that one with me! Thank you, Claire!

Ok, so I realize that this has addressed the fitness aspect of my body, but has really just skirted over the whole food addiction aspect of it. Intentionally. See, I'm still working on that one. I have overcome lots of obstacles in my lifetime. I have beat addictions and walked away from things that the devil intended to use for my destruction. This one, though. This seems to be such a silent battle, in which I feel so alone, and guilty, and humiliated.

If I have a rough morning with the kids, I'll eat. Chocolate of course. Cures whatever ails you. Unless what ails you is obesity, and then it just debilitates you. Then I feel guilty for further debilitating myself, so I eat more chocolate to comfort myself. Yeah, it really doesn't work, but somehow, in my mind, it makes sense at the time. If I'm stressed over finances, I'll eat. If I'm tired from a long night with the baby, I'll eat. If I'm procrastinating from writing in the afternoon, when the rest of the house is asleep and it's only me and a kitchen full of food, I'll eat. Honestly, it really doesn't matter what the reason. There's always some reason. And it's not like I saunter into the kitchen and grab some carrot sticks. No. No, no. I grab the oreos, or the tortillas, or something that I just know will continue to destroy my body, yet I don't seem to care. At that moment.

"...man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." Deuteronomy 8:30

But if we could live on bread alone, I'd want mine with butter. Ok, I know that was...I was going to say tasteless, but really, I can just taste the bread with rich, creamy butter on it. This is an awkward, uncomfortable topic for me, so my heart would much rather dance around it than stare it in the face. To stare it in the face is to look at, and acknowledge, my own brokenness. Never pretty.

Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. I think that I have been craving the bread rather than the words of my Lord. That's a problem, and a hindrance to true growth. Job says this in 23:12, "I have not departed from the commands of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread." I think that might be my next memory verse. I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. This is my heart's desire. But instead, right now my god is my stomach, and my glory is in my shame. My mind is on earthly things.

Father, I will treasure the words of Your mouth more than my daily bread. I ask You for the grace and strength to accomplish that which You have put in my heart to do. It's time for new growth, and not in the waistline. Teach me to make sacrifices, that my heart would be fully set on You, no distractions from earthly things. I praise You Lord for all that You have planned, and surrender everything to Your will. In Jesus' Name,

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  1. I so totally understand where you're coming from, being overweight myself. I can't commit to the marathon thing, running hurts my body. But I will be praying for you in this endeavor. I've cried out to my hubby over this and he is trying to encourage me to loose weight, as long as my mind doesn't turn his encouragement into nagging. So I love you sister and talk to you soon.

  2. Has anyone ever accused you of meddling!?! ha I guess it wouldn't be meddling if it didn't strike an uncomfortable truth.
    I do not know that I have the same struggle that you describe, but I know God is wanting more from me in terms of my health and body.
    I'm going to totally take a leap of faith and follow the small prompting I felt as I read your post by committing to an October 11 5K.
    Deep breath...yes, I'll do the 5K with you.
    Now I just have to get off the couch!

  3. Wooo-Hoooo!! Yea! I have sucked someone in, uh, I mean, I'm so excited to have someone to run with on October 11th! And, I have been accused of meddling a time or two. I try not to, and I can honestly this time was not a case of meddling, but instead God meddling in my heart. Dread!
    I am starting a 40-day devotional called "Faithfully Fit" and am surrendering all of me to Him in order to learn about sacrifice and moderation. If this body is His temple, I would do well to start taking better care of it.
    Donita, I will send you the link for the October 5K.
    Blessings y'all!

  4. Shauna, I honestly could have written this post! I feel the same shame... why can't I control it? I don't know why I do it, but I do. I know that just as with something as serious as alcoholism, it needs to be a daily, if not multiple times daily, drop to the knees and surrender of that will. I will be praying for you in your journey. Thanks for being so real and honest! Take it one day at a time. And stop buying oreos silly girl!

  5. Shauna: this is an excellent, honest post.

    Often the posts that I worry the most about hitting "publish" on are my very best.

    5Ks are fun. Once you do one - I bet you'll want to do more.

    That's how it started for me. I'm not a runner by nature, but I do really enjoy 5Ks. Longer races seem a bit too...long...for me in this "season" of my life. But 5Ks are just right. Which race will you be running in? Maybe I'll join you and Donita. :)

  6. Shauna, I'd love to run with you in October! It should be a good lead in to the triathlon on November 1. Which sounds more daunting?...5k or 3.1 miles?...they are the same (I'm sure you know that, but 3 just sounds easier than 5).

    I am encouraged by you in so many ways and I am proud that you are making a stand for yourself and God's creation, your body.

    Just a quick shout-out to Jen...there are tons of people who walk marathons and that does not detract at all from the dedication it takes to finish, so if you think you could walk one, then I encourage you to go for it!

  7. My dearest Shauna,

    You are so brave and so strong to post this. My tears are flowing for you. In my 20s I struggled with an unhealthy relationship with food. Eating disorders, extremely low self-esteem and an unhealthy self-image weighed very heavily upon me (pun intended). After consuming a 1/2 sheet birthday cake in one night (I was alone... in every sense of the word), I was repulsed by actions. Honestly, I don't know how I pulled myself out of that (it was WAY before I met Jesus), but you DO know The Way. I am so thankful for you. You challenge me and make me look at myself differently than anyone I have ever known. Please don't ever change that. I need it.

    I would like the link to the 5K too. :) As long as we run slowly, I think I can make it!

    Much love,
    Lisa xoxo


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