Tonight, I wish I could bury my head in the sand. I wish I didn't feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wish that I could live a "normal" day-in and day-out life. I wish I had a good paying job in which I could don a power suit five days a week, go into a nice office setting and work with competent co-workers, leaving at the end of the day feeling accomplished and appreciated. I wish I could have a sense of fulfillment from having something to show for a hard day's work and then come home to an expectant family and children who are happy to see me. I wish my job description and daily expectations were clear, because I like to do my job well. I wish I could feel the sense of accomplishment of climbing up a corporate ladder and receiving positive feedback for a job well done. I wish my weekends were full of play and relaxation, cramming in fun activities that get pushed to the back burner during the busy work week.
I don't know. I'm not really one to harbor regrets, but for some reason these days, I just wonder about things. I wish that I had gone to college closer to my childhood best friend. As children we had always talked about living near each other when we grew up, but for some reason ended up thousands of miles apart during those critical college years. And though we remain to be friends, we are certainly not as close as we could have been. I miss her like crazy, especially these days.
These days I am knee deep in dramatic temper tantrums, dirty diapers, toddler talk, preschool stories, teaching, educating, reminding, cleaning, laundry, cleaning, folding, cleaning, and did I mention dramatic temper tantrums? Just random, unwarranted, non-stop temper tantrums. I am the mother of 3 girls, and the temper tantrums seem to go on all day long, passing from one girl to the next like a hot potato in a vicious cruel game. It's even better when all three are crying at once. And I love it when I ask why one is crying and the answer whines out, "I don't know." Really? This is not the glamour I imagined. I certainly am questioning how the Proverbs 31 woman was able to get her children to rise up and call her blessed, because I am nowhere near that these days. Maybe the day will come and we will all still be sane, especially me.
I know this is random, and it may be more for my benefit to get some things out of my head more than anything else. I know I should be grateful for where I am, sometimes I just have a hard time not coveting the seemingly glamorous life of others who have so much more. Struggling these days to remember that God has not forgotten us. Maybe this is just a rant to get that out.