Saturday, January 9, 2010

Head in the Sand

Tonight, I wish I could bury my head in the sand. I wish I didn't feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wish that I could live a "normal" day-in and day-out life. I wish I had a good paying job in which I could don a power suit five days a week, go into a nice office setting and work with competent co-workers, leaving at the end of the day feeling accomplished and appreciated. I wish I could have a sense of fulfillment from having something to show for a hard day's work and then come home to an expectant family and children who are happy to see me. I wish my job description and daily expectations were clear, because I like to do my job well. I wish I could feel the sense of accomplishment of climbing up a corporate ladder and receiving positive feedback for a job well done. I wish my weekends were full of play and relaxation, cramming in fun activities that get pushed to the back burner during the busy work week.

I don't know. I'm not really one to harbor regrets, but for some reason these days, I just wonder about things. I wish that I had gone to college closer to my childhood best friend. As children we had always talked about living near each other when we grew up, but for some reason ended up thousands of miles apart during those critical college years. And though we remain to be friends, we are certainly not as close as we could have been. I miss her like crazy, especially these days.

These days I am knee deep in dramatic temper tantrums, dirty diapers, toddler talk, preschool stories, teaching, educating, reminding, cleaning, laundry, cleaning, folding, cleaning, and did I mention dramatic temper tantrums? Just random, unwarranted, non-stop temper tantrums. I am the mother of 3 girls, and the temper tantrums seem to go on all day long, passing from one girl to the next like a hot potato in a vicious cruel game. It's even better when all three are crying at once. And I love it when I ask why one is crying and the answer whines out, "I don't know." Really? This is not the glamour I imagined. I certainly am questioning how the Proverbs 31 woman was able to get her children to rise up and call her blessed, because I am nowhere near that these days. Maybe the day will come and we will all still be sane, especially me.

I know this is random, and it may be more for my benefit to get some things out of my head more than anything else. I know I should be grateful for where I am, sometimes I just have a hard time not coveting the seemingly glamorous life of others who have so much more. Struggling these days to remember that God has not forgotten us. Maybe this is just a rant to get that out.

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  1. "The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galations 6:8-9 Shauna, you are sowing incredible seeds... don;t give up! You are not forgotten. You have been on my heart a lot... I've been lifting you up and I hope I can see you soon.

  2. Oh, my Shauna. This post is so telling in so many ways. Not just about you but about me too. See, I am in the corporate, climb the ladder world. Let me tell you it's not so great... don't get me wrong, there are glimmers of reward and days when I think, "yes, this is what I should be doing for my family." We have health insurance because of it and we can pay our bills and once in a while have a little left over for somethign frivolous (once in a great while). More often though, as my day goes by, I find myself thinking about Mallory and what I am missing in her life. I think about the fact that some one else is providing her with attention and teaching and love. And I'm even more lucky because right now that 'some one else' is her grandmother. It does not change the fact that I have this internal urge to be there with her. Call it mommy instinct but I feel like missing out on some of her firsts and just not being there the majority of the time is NOT how it is supposed to go. It just happens to be how it is for us, not just how it is but how it HAS to be right now. I dream of the day that may or may not ever come when I can be at home and be a wife and mom and all those traditional things. If that time ever comes I may find myself venting in the same fashion you have on this post. So I say to you, dear lady, although it is cliche, we are both having that "grass is always greener" moment in time. I love you and you are NOT forgotten. I will remember you every time I have my Mallory day dreams. :)

  3. Lynn,
    Thank you, my friend, for your thoughtful response. I so appreciate the way you shared your perspective. When I worked as a nurse, I was so full of mixed emotions everytime I left for a shift, that it was quite difficult to enjoy anything. More than anything, I missed being home with my girls. I can relate to your feelings of not being present to see all of the firsts and having someone else raise, teach, and love your children. By the same token, there are aspects of being at work that I really miss. And if I'm completely honest, the things that I miss are probably not entirely biblical (at all).
    It is hard to walk in obedience to God, feeling like the basic needs are not being met. Bills aren't paid, and certainly nothing is left over at the end of the month. I am learning to simply (even more, if that's possible) and be thankful for what we do have, and the various ways that God is taking care of us. It's a hard lesson and frustrating at times, but God is still God, and He is good all the time. I am learning to recognize that His goodness does not always look like what I would expect. It's a process my friend.
    I appreciate your heart for your precious babe. I think you are an amazing woman, and I would imagine the same as a mommy. Blessings to you my friend.

  4. motherhood is HARD, and we do each other a disservice pretending otherwise. no one has it all together, and we never see the secret struggles that go on behind clearly polished facades.

    thanks for being honest. may God lift up your head and encourage your heart.

  5. Shauna, I'm behind on blog reading obviously, but I just wanted to send some prayers your way. Motherhood is so, so, so hard, and boy, have I been where you were when you wrote this post. But I've also been on the other side as I'm sure you have, too, when you realize that God has put you where He wants you and that while your life is not glamorous, it is Godly. You are nurturing souls for Christ. You are sanctifying your children and they are sanctifying you. When I'm tempted to feel as if I don't "produce" anything or contribute much to the world, I remind myself that God has gifted me with souls with eternal value to help mold with His help and grace. Yes, our life is a hidden one, but it is so, so important. You are doing good work. I'm praying for you.


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