Day 2, Cruising Along

Within the realm of eating, I have become something I do not like. I snack in the dark, indulging ridiculous cravings from sweets and carbs, filling the gut with that which cannot fulfill me, but simply fill me for a short while. For a moment it leaves me feeling satisfied, only to require more the next time a pang raises its ugly head.

It reminds me of the Samaritan woman whom Jesus met at the well in the town of Sychar. Jesus was sitting by the well when the woman came to draw water. Jesus asked the woman to give him a drink of that water, as he was tired from the journey.

The woman replied, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans.)

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, you would have asked him and he would have given you living water."

"Sir," the woman said, "you have nothing to draw with and the well is deep. Where can you get this living water? Are you greater than our father Jacob, who gave us the well and drank from it himself, as did also his sons and his flocks and herds?"

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him, will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will be come in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

I snack in the dark to hide what I know I should not be doing. I snack in the dark, as if doing in the dark will nullify the action, but it only leaves me wanting more. It leaves me thirsty.

We are called to walk in the Light in all things. In every aspect of our lives, we are called to walk in the Light. It takes away all reasons for non-believers to mock us and mock our God. We are called to walk with integrity and discipline, free from our sins by the mighty blood of Jesus Christ. We are called to be exposed, unafraid, unashamed. Because when we expose our brokenness, we are able to begin healing.

I should not need to sneak around when I am walking in obedience to God. I should not feel guilty or ashamed when I am properly fueling and taking care of this temple that has been entrusted to me, for my good and for His glory.

We are called to walk in the Light, and seek after the Living Water, that which quenches the thirst and leaves us wanting no more.

No more snacking in the dark. This stronghold will be broken.

Faithfully FIt, Day 1

So, I have started a 40-Day devotional called "Faithfully Fit" in order to address the spiritual, as well as physical, aspect of my food addiction and weight issues. I am determined to conquer this issue this time around, rather than continuing to struggle with it for the rest of my life, and risk passing on these horrible habits and struggles to my precious girls. This first week's topic in the devotional is all about surrender.

That's kind of a dirty little word. Surrender.

See, when we surrender, truly surrender, we are setting all selfishness aside and following the will of someone else. That really struck me, because as I consider my heart attitude toward this journey, I had to confess that I was really skeptical about succeeding at making these necessary changes to regain health. Somehow I just really didn't believe that this time around would work either. Because when success hinges on my will power alone, you might as well cash in the chips and call it a day. Failure. That's how I ended up in this situation.

And honestly, the only thing that I could really think about when I pondered a 40-day journey to regain health was just about all that I was going to miss out on. Ugh! My heart is so selfish! In order for me to surrender this habit, I have to learn to sacrifice and set selfishness aside. But sacrifice terrifies me, as if I'll be missing out on something so great. What's so great about Oreos? Besides the incredible chocolatey love. But even the simple thought of throwing them out, removing the temptation, makes me uncomfortable. Why is that? When did my taste buds become such dominating features of my body? That's such a ridiculous notion, and yet they seem to be such a driving force for many of my culinary decisions.

What will I miss out on really? Comfort food? Dessert? How is comfort food really comforting when I hate the body I see in the mirror the next morning? Food is not my comforter! God is my Comforter, if only I will let Him be.

So, I have begun to make changes, in honor of Day 1. For the record, I have not had an oreo for two days. I feel like at the confessional session for a 12-step program.

Greetings. My name is Shauna and it's been two days since I had my last Oreo.

Actually that's really great progress. But I digress. So, I have traded out these:

For this:

And this:

Progress, right? And I'm not dead, nor have I missed out on anything, other than a few extra calories. It's a step, and I am praying for a heart determined, a mind focused, and a body fed up enough the with the current status to stay the course. Day 1 is over.

Making a Plan

So, I have issues. Seriously, who among us does not, but I am not only aware of my issues, but am wanting to face them head on. Not by my strength alone, because if I could conquer them by my strength, they wouldn't truly be issues that I am struggling with. But the thing is, I don't want to pass these on. I think that there is some validity to the idea of generational curses if they are left to rule and wreak havoc in our lives, and until they are faced head-on and conquered in the Name of Jesus Christ, they are too easily passed on. So my desire is that my issues end with me.

See, the thing with issues is that they can seriously take up your time and energy as you obsess and are consumed by them, drawing your attention away from God and the marvelous things that He wants to do. The biggest issue that I am facing right now is my struggle with weight and my addiction to food. I hate typing that. I hate seeing it actually put out there, and even in this moment I am wondering if I should post this at all. Somehow putting down in print makes it real, and not just some silly notion floating in my head. No, it's real. I don't want others to know my weaknesses, like German Chocolate cupcakes with

coconut frosting on them. I know there's a plate of them sitting on my counter, but if I know me like I think I do, they won't be there for much longer. Disgusting, isn't it?

It shouldn't be that hard. It shouldn't be that difficult to walk away from a plate of cupcakes, or any other sweet, or fried, or baked anything. It just requires a small amount of will power, right? I can control what I put into my mouth. Well, I should be able to control what I put in my mouth. But for some reason, I will start the day off with the best of intentions to eat healthy, but by mid-day, I find myself blowing it, completely oblivious to the vows I made just a few hours earlier. That is, right up until I glance at myself in the mirror and wonder who the overweight broad is that has taken up residency in my body. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate that my clothes don't fit and I hate that I actually had to go up a size, or two. I hate that I had to look in the "Big Lady's" store to find clothes that fit this stretched out body. I hate that I can't go into normal stores now, as they don't carry my size.

Humiliating.

Why can't I beat this? Why is this such a stronghold in my life? I have been drug addictions. I have beat alcoholism. I have beat so many other issues in my life. Why is this one so strong over me? I have to beat this. I will not pass this on to my daughters.

I'm making a plan to beat it. Again, somehow putting it out there for all the world to know, or all two people who read this blog, makes me accountable. Makes it real. So, here goes:

I have started the "The Couch to 5K Running Plan." (Thank you, Donita, for sharing it.) I have officially finished Day 3. Whew! Don't mock the title. I fit into the "couch" category currently. But did I mention that I have finished Day 3?

I am swimming on the days that I am not walk/running. I grew up swimming competitively, so this is something I can flow back into, obviously much slower and weaker, but I can still float in water.

Sunday I will rest (Sabbath and all).

100 crunches a day (I need to learn how to work these in. Not really looking forward to it. My belly looks like it has carried three babies. Oh wait, it has. I guess the Oreos don't really help it either.)

30 push ups a day. Again, not really excited about this, but my arms have that old-lady-hang-down working for them, and that's just not right.

What else...so, my plan is to do a 5K race in October. October 11th, to be exact. Wanna suffer...I mean, run it with me?

From there, assuming I am still standing and able to walk, I will start training for a half marathon in January. January 17th to be exact. Wanna join me? Seriously, I need accountability for this one.

AND THEN, if I am still standing, able to feel my feet and walk at that point, well I'm just gonna have to sign myself up for a triathlon in May. I don't have the exact date for that one yet, but I will. And I actually have a friend who has already committed to doing that one with me! Thank you, Claire!

Ok, so I realize that this has addressed the fitness aspect of my body, but has really just skirted over the whole food addiction aspect of it. Intentionally. See, I'm still working on that one. I have overcome lots of obstacles in my lifetime. I have beat addictions and walked away from things that the devil intended to use for my destruction. This one, though. This seems to be such a silent battle, in which I feel so alone, and guilty, and humiliated.

If I have a rough morning with the kids, I'll eat. Chocolate of course. Cures whatever ails you. Unless what ails you is obesity, and then it just debilitates you. Then I feel guilty for further debilitating myself, so I eat more chocolate to comfort myself. Yeah, it really doesn't work, but somehow, in my mind, it makes sense at the time. If I'm stressed over finances, I'll eat. If I'm tired from a long night with the baby, I'll eat. If I'm procrastinating from writing in the afternoon, when the rest of the house is asleep and it's only me and a kitchen full of food, I'll eat. Honestly, it really doesn't matter what the reason. There's always some reason. And it's not like I saunter into the kitchen and grab some carrot sticks. No. No, no. I grab the oreos, or the tortillas, or something that I just know will continue to destroy my body, yet I don't seem to care. At that moment.

"...man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." Deuteronomy 8:30

But if we could live on bread alone, I'd want mine with butter. Ok, I know that was...I was going to say tasteless, but really, I can just taste the bread with rich, creamy butter on it. This is an awkward, uncomfortable topic for me, so my heart would much rather dance around it than stare it in the face. To stare it in the face is to look at, and acknowledge, my own brokenness. Never pretty.

Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. I think that I have been craving the bread rather than the words of my Lord. That's a problem, and a hindrance to true growth. Job says this in 23:12, "I have not departed from the commands of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread." I think that might be my next memory verse. I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. This is my heart's desire. But instead, right now my god is my stomach, and my glory is in my shame. My mind is on earthly things.

Father, I will treasure the words of Your mouth more than my daily bread. I ask You for the grace and strength to accomplish that which You have put in my heart to do. It's time for new growth, and not in the waistline. Teach me to make sacrifices, that my heart would be fully set on You, no distractions from earthly things. I praise You Lord for all that You have planned, and surrender everything to Your will. In Jesus' Name,

Amen

My Heart's Desire

I have seen a life of faith lived in complete abandon to worldly traditions,

a heart so devoted to prayer for every direction,

a mind so fully dependent on His very Word,

a tongue that so boldly speaks His truth,

and feet that are directed by His command alone.

I want that.

I have seen a heart so overwhelmed with gratitude that it cannot be contained,

ears so in tune to His voice as to hear His gentle whisper,

hands so willing to give everything for the sake of sharing His Name,

eyes that are able to see God’s children as the beauty He created,

and a life so disciplined in its pursuit of God.

I want that.

What about you? What do you desire for your spiritual journey?

Pledge of Allegiance

One: Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world
All: Have mercy on us
One: Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world
All: Free us from the bondage of sin and death
One: Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world
All: Hear our prayer. Grant us peace.

One: For the victims of war
All: Have mercy
One: Women, men and children
All: Have mercy
One: The maimed and the crippled
All: Have mercy
One: The abandoned and the homeless
All: Have mercy
One: the imprisoned and the tortured
All: Have mercy
One: The widowed and the orphaned
All: Have mercy
One: The bleeding and the dying
All: Have mercy
One: The weary and the desperate
All: Have mercy
One: The lost and the forsaken
All: Have mercy

One: O God -- Have mercy on us sinners
All: Forgive us for we know not what we do
One: For our scorched and blackened earth
All: Forgive us
One: For the scandal of billions wasted in war
All: Forgive us
One: For our arms makers and arms dealers
All: Forgive us
One: For our Caesars and Herods
All: Forgive us
One: For the violence that is rooted in our hearts
All: Forgive us
One: For the times we turn others into enemies
All: Forgive us

One: Deliver us, O God
All: Guide our feet into the way of peace
One: Hear our prayer.
All: Grant us peace.

One: From the arrogance of power
All: Deliver us
One: From the myth of redemptive violence
All: Deliver us
One: From the tyranny of greed
All: Deliver us
One: From the ugliness of racism
All: Deliver us
One: From the cancer of hatred
All: Deliver us
One: From the seduction of wealth
All: Deliver us
One: From the addiction of control
All: Deliver us
One: From the idolatry of nationalism
All: Deliver us
One: From the paralysis of cynicism
All: Deliver us
One: From the violence of apathy
All: Deliver us
One: From the ghettos of poverty
All: Deliver us
One: From the ghettos of wealth
All: Deliver us
One: From a lack of imagination
All: Deliver us

One: Deliver us, O God
All: Guide our feet into the way of peace
One: We will not conform to the patterns of this world
All: Let us be transformed by the renewing of our minds
One: With the help of God’s grace
All: Let us resist evil wherever we find it

One: With the waging of war
All: We will not comply
One: With the legalization of murder
All: We will not comply
One: With the slaughter of innocents
All: We will not comply
One: With laws that betray human life
All: We will not comply
One: With the destruction of community
All: We will not comply
One: With the pointing finger and malicious talk
All: We will not comply
One: With the idea that happiness must be purchased
All: We will not comply
One: With the ravaging of the earth
All: We will not comply
One: With principalities and powers that oppress
All: We will not comply
One: With the destruction of peoples
All: We will not comply
One: With the raping of women
All: We will not comply
One: With governments that kill
All: We will not comply
One: With the theology of empire
All: We will not comply
One: With the business of militarism
All: We will not comply
One: With the hoarding of riches
All: We will not comply
One: With the dissemination of fear
All: We will not comply

One: Today we pledge our ultimate allegiance… to the Kingdom of God
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To a peace that is not like Rome’s
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the Gospel of enemy love
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the Kingdom of the poor and broken
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To a King that loves his enemies so much he died for them
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the least of these, with whom Christ dwells
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the transnational Church that transcends the artificial borders of nations
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the refugee of Nazareth
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the homeless rabbi who had no place to lay his head
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the cross rather than the sword
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the banner of love above any flag
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the one who rules with a towel rather than an iron fist
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the one who rides a donkey rather than a war-horse
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the revolution that sets both oppressed and oppressors free
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the Way that leads to life
All: We pledge allegiance
One: To the Slaughtered Lamb
All: We pledge allegiance

One: And together we proclaim his praises, from the margins of the empire to the centers of wealth and power
All: Long Live the Slaughtered Lamb
One: Long Live the Slaughtered Lamb
All: Long Live the Slaughtered Lamb