Being Redefined

For some reason these days, as we pray and contemplate on the plans for the future, this is a hard one for me. Well, ok, to be completely honest, this has been a hard one in general. You see, before I got married, I could easily have defined myself as a student, a missionary, and then as a nurse. I was a writer as a hobby for my own personal collection. Writing was my catharsis, forever a passion, but never pursued seriously. I knew who I was, more or less, and could have stated as much at the time. But somewhere after getting married, I got lost. I was no longer a student, per se, and my heart’s desire more and more was taking me away from the hospital workplace into the home workplace. I had become a wife, and in my pursuit of becoming a “good wife,” I neglected my own passions to follow in suit with my husband. I had actually quit writing for the first couple of years of marriage. It wasn’t a conscious decision, just neglected. Then I became a mommy, and that seems to have swallowed me whole. These days, I can’t seem to make it an hour in the morning without smelling like sour milk from the spit up I just acquired on my clean shirt. I go from crying newborn who wants to nurse to crying toddler who didn’t get her way. I seem to have forgotten how to carry on a normal conversation, as my world revolves around alphabet sticker books to Sleeping Beauty coloring books. I used to feel somewhat articulate, and these days I can’t seem to even piece a thought together.

Maybe this is all sleep deprivation and I need to just give it time, but then again, maybe I am being redefined, as I am certainly being humbled and taught on a regular basis.

The other day I met a sister of the faith, and instantly loved her. She had that aura about her…you know the one…the one where people are just drawn to her. Joy was just oozing from her pores as I watched her interact with my daughters. She made me wish I was one of those little girls getting her undivided attention. That sounds silly, I realize, but that was how compelling she was. Her gratitude was humbling, as I listened to her thanking God for the beautiful green vegetables she was using to make a salad. And it wasn’t a thanks in that overly self-righteous way that becomes a holier-than-thou issue, but genuinely thanking Him, as one would thank a friend who was standing nearby.

It reminded me once again of the nearness of God, the nearness of You, Jesus, and that You have called me friend, that you are ever present, ever listening, ever ready to lead and guide me with the desires of Your heart, if I would only slow down and listen.

It was in that moment that I was so acutely aware of my own brokenness that I just wanted to bury my head in my hands and weep. I was so completely aware of all things that I am not. For so long, I have defined my life by worldly terms. I was a student. I was a nurse. I was a wife. I was a mommy. But the problem is, those are ever shifting, sometimes changing altogether. So what happens when I am no longer a nurse? Do I lose myself? What happens when I neglect to write, or when the words dry up altogether? Does that mean I can no longer be a writer? What happens when my girls grow up and no longer need me as they do now? Do I lose myself again? How many times can I lose myself before I fall apart completely?

As I watched this sister glide from room to room, spilling out the light of Jesus from her very being, watching it splash onto whichever blessed soul happened to be in her path, I saw a new definition emerge. And when she asked if we wanted to sing worship songs together while we waited for dinner to finish cooking, I knew what it was.

Grateful Worshipper

I knew what it was, and knew in my heart how God wanted to define me, that I may cultivate an attitude of gratitude, and worship Him in all that I do.

I thank you, Lord, even now for this peaceful moment to sit and reflect, for the quiet while all three girls sleep, and for the graham crackers, peanut butter and milk to snack on. I thank you for it all.

Grace and peace as we move through this journey.