Saturday, May 8, 2010

And then life...

Somehow life has a funny way of becoming oh-so busy. With a husband who travels more often than not, three little ones under the age of 5, a house to run, and somehow a life to be involved in, many of the things that I love and are passionate about get pushed to the back burner. At the end of the day, my brain hurts too much to try to form complete sentences, much less put together a coherent blog of any kind.
And so here it has sat. 
I must say that I have been forced to reevaluate many things in my own life lately. I have been challenged in what I believe and what it is based upon. I have been requested by some to speak or write about less controversial topics, as it is viewed as being too political. 
I can easily confess that I have a very sensitive spirit. I always have. It has toughened a bit through the last several years, but I still remain very sensitive to many things in general. That's not necessarily a bad thing, though some would argue otherwise. It is what it is, and I remain with the choice of what to do with it. 
I read an interesting quote recently: 
Research shows that the more elements make up your identity, the less threatening it is when any one element is threatened. Losing your job might be a blow to your self-esteem, but the fact that you lead your local alumni association gives you a comforting source of self-respect.
That came from a book that I have been reading through called "The Happiness Project" and has been a great source of inspiration and refocusing on many things for me. I stepped out of the career world when I decided to embrace mommyhood and support my husband's vision as his helpmate. I was by far no expert nurse, but I was a good nurse and loved the opportunity to be a part of a healing process for families at their lowest points. It was a great source of satisfaction and accomplishment. But it was my choice to walk away and I do not regret it. 
But I think it is safe to say that there are days when I flounder as a stay-at-home mom, not able to feel a sense of accomplishment or productivity. I enjoy writing, and yet am challenged most days to say anything beyond toddler talk. 
I have been told that my blog is not an effective way to reach people, or reach out to people. Pow.
I have been told that my posts are too controversial, even political, and pose a problem for those around me. Pow.
I have been told I should submit posts for censorship before posting. Pow.
For a girl with a sensitive spirit, this all comes as quite a blow and leaves me...floundering.
It leaves me with no voice and just really wondering what to do now. And yet God remains to be God over me, and the calling and gifts I have received remain to be there for Kingdom uses.
Defend the weak.
Speak on behalf of those who cannot speak themselves.
Maybe no one reads it. Maybe no one cares. Maybe no one agrees.
It's OK.
So there, I've put it out there. Random, yes. Maybe I just needed a place to start again after not having written anything for so long. Life is hard and complicated sometimes. It gets messy and people take offense. We lack grace and love and would rather close people out than feel awkward or condemned or disliked. And at the end of the day, my introverted self would much rather curl up in silence with a book than engage in risky business. But maybe some refocusing will get me going again. That's what I'm praying for.

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  1. I can understand the sensitive spirit, I often feel that myself. I'm sad that perhaps you feel or have been told to censor your blog. I could understand the reasoning behind it but at the end of the day I think it's your blog, much like a journal and people are free to read or not to read. I pray you find some answers and are able to refocus on the passions God has given you.

  2. I too am a sensitive spirit. I take things personally- even when the rational part of myself recognizes that I should not. I have this to say: I read your blog and I love it. I love it when I agree with you, I love it when I don't agree with you and I love it most when you say something that makes me totally re-evaluate what I previously thought. Because for me, I consider this my little window unto your world, your heart, your mind. When I read your posts I hear your voice in my head. I hear the tone you inteded with your written words. I hear your laughter. It is like you are speaking it to me directly. It is a way in which I feel connected to you and for that I would like to say THANK YOU. Thank you, Shauna for being bold and speaking your heart and mind. Thank you, Shauna for knowing that sometimes what you have to say is not the 'popular' opinion and for saying it anyway. Thank you, Shauna for daring to open yourself up to people even when you know that it could result in criticism. I think you are a wonderful example of something pretty amazing. And that thing is love. Your love for God and for your fellow men and women is wonderful. It is something that leaps off these pages and screams "Here I am- take me or leave me." And every time I read more, I am left wanting more. More of the love.

  3. shauna, you are smart and thoughtful, and you have a prophetic voice that ought not to be silenced.

    i know how isolating full-time mothering of little ones can be, and having this space to be ourselves (and not just mom) is invaluable. this is your space--say what you want and use the words God has placed on your heart.

    people are afraid of controversy, truth-telling, and opinionated women--don't let the naysayers squelch the passions and gifts God has given you!

    grace and peace to you, friend:)


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