37 weeks...

Ok. 37 weeks and feeling quite...large and uncomfortable. I'm still slightly dilated, slightly effaced, but nothing to get excited about. Just waiting, waiting, waiting for sweet Hannah to make her appearance. That's all for now. Grace and peace, especially for the ever-expanding belly!

Truth and Consequences

So, a couple of weeks ago I found a journal that I had begun writing in back in September. Some of you may remember that we returned from Africa at the end of August, and September was a time of transitioning back to being stateside. During that time, and the weeks that led up to that time, God had really laid on my heart to step back from all that I was involved in at the church, from teaching a women's Bible Study, to being part of the leadership team for MOPS. At the time I did not understand it, but I knew that it was His will, and so I followed in obedience.

In this journal, I wrote:

What a strange season of life I am in right now, though I do feel a great sense of peace in it. After being able to exercise my gift of teaching for two semesters, and was privileged to hold some leadership positions in various ministries, I have felt the Lord urging me to step back from all of it, to rest and grow in Him. The verse He gave me is from Isaiah 30:15:

In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.

Above all else, I feel a call to deepen my relationship with Jesus, through prayer and increased study of His Word.

At the time, I wrote with such confidence and peace of the path that God was leading me down. Little did I know that I was soon to enter one of the hardest storms of my life. Little did I know how my Savior was trying to brace me, steady my feet for all that was to come. Is He not merciful?

The problem is that once the storm came, I failed to look to Him. Instead I focused on the storm, on the strength of the winds and depth of the dark clouds. I stopped crying out to Him and tried to wade through it on my own, by my own wisdom. Dumb. I'm sure that no one else out there has been so foolish as to think that they could get by their own smarts, that the way that seems right to them must be the right way. But then there was that one time with Peter, the Rock, who almost sank like one. This is what the Gospel of Matthew says about the account:

After he (Jesus) had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt? You knew He was calling you to trust. You knew He was calling you to lean in on Him in full dependence. You boldly asked for more of Him, for a deeper relationship with Him, to see and experience more of Him. You asked to walk on water. He wanted to grow you. He was calling you to go deeper, and sometimes, that requires trials and tribulations in order to exercise that growing faith and dependence. He called you out of the boat. Why did you doubt?

Job 36:21 says, "Beware of turning to evil, which you seem to prefer to affliction."

I would like to say that that's a low blow, but there is too much truth in it. In affliction, counsel is not sought out properly, decisions are made in haste based on worldly thinking, and the ripple effect is astounding. So then, what to do with the consequences, because everything, whether good or bad, comes with consequences. I will trust that the maker of all things can make something of even this mess. I have to believe that truth.

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 

He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. 

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. 

As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. 

But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children - with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

Psalm 103: 8-18

Grace and peace y'all.

36 Weeks

Good morning y'all! Well, here we are at 36 and a half weeks. Baby is estimated to weigh about 6pounds 13ounces by ultrasound. She is doing well, very active, though running out room. Mommy is doing well, though much less active. Just wanted to get those up. I have to go back to the hospital this morning for yet another NST (non-stress test) to check baby Hannah's movements and heart rate. I feel like I live at the hospital these days. It will be nice to deliver so that I can just be at home for a while! Grace and peace, y'all. Hope you have a wonderful Friday!

35 Weeks...I'm slowing down

Ok, here we are at 35+ a few days. I am most definitely slowing down and this baby is getting bigger. She seems to have nestled down into my hips in a manner that is so completely uncomfortable. Not much longer, though. That's what I keep telling myself. I am definitely nesting these days though, as I am seeking out ways to organize and simplify life. The only problem is how slow I move and how achy I feel afterwards. Well, I am off to bed, where I will battle frequent potty trips and leg cramps for the next several hours. Woohoo!! Enjoy the pics y'all!

Life is Unpredictable

So, I had to work the last couple of days, and what a hard couple of days they turned out to be. For the sake of making the days go by quickly, I offered to take one of the sicker patients on the unit, not expecting to be sending her off to the morgue the next day. But that is what I did. 

Sometimes, this life just baffles me, takes me by surprise, downright floors me. I have been a nurse for five years, and have worked in the pediatric intensive care unit even longer. I have been involved in many code situations (patients who go into arrest, whether cardiac or respiratory, requiring resuscitation, CPR and rescue drugs), I have assisted in many rooms of patients who have died, and I have carried my fair share of children to the morgue, but it has never been my own patient. Somehow that changed things. And she wasn't a child, she was a young mommy with a new baby at home. Somehow that changed everything. 

This patient whom I had cared for, whose hand I had held, whose ear I had whispered into, whose skin I had stroked, whose husband and family I had spoken with throughout the days; her body could not fight hard enough and we could not keep up fast enough, and she slipped into cardiac arrest. To watch this life slip away, to see her chest get flogged with pre-cordial thumps, compressions, and multiple shocks from the defibrillator was heart-wrenching for me as a professional. As I pushed drug after drug, as I yelled out for the recorder all that was happening, my eyes caught the horrified look of her husband standing just outside the door, arms clutched to a family member. We could not save her. Time of death was called.

There are few sounds as painful as the wailings of a mourning husband, draped over his bride who is no longer here. There are few things as tragic as a baby who will never know her mommy. There are few scenes as painful. And as the room cleared and the family began to mourn this incredible loss, the adrenaline, frustration, exhaustion, disappointment and pain of it all welled up in me, and the tears began to flow. I could not stop them. And so I kept moving as I tried to tidy up the room and turn it from a room of treating and healing to one of mourning and wailing, never lifting my head to make eye contact, as my vision had become blurred from the tears. Just keep moving. All the way out of the room, past the doctors and nurses gathered outside, straight to the bathroom where I could let it go, and work to regain my composure. 

Some have asked how we do what we do. I honestly don't know. I mourn and grieve. We hug a lot. We allow the tears to flow. And then the phone rings and there's another patient coming in who needs an ICU bed, so we pull it together and work with everything in us to see this patient do better. And then at night, I hug my kids a little tighter and little longer (until my three year old reminds me that she needs to breathe), and I bury my head on my husband's chest and just hold him. 

I am gearing up to go back to work the next couple of days. I know it will be better. I just needed to process those last few. 

Don't forget to hug your kids, a little tighter, a little longer. Don't forget to tell your husband how much you love him. Life is just so unpredictable sometimes. I wouldn't want you to miss out on an opportunity. 

Grace and peace, y'all. All kinds of grace and peace.

34 Weeks

34 Weeks, with 6ish to go, give or take a few. Baby is good and getting big, mommy is tired but hanging in there. Here are the photos for this week. Enjoy!

Grace and peace to all!

The words that flow

So, it seems that there are some who are actually reading this blog, much to my surprise, and it turns out, much to my dismay, as I seem to have fueled on the rumor mill with some bold (stupid) honesty of real life. While I have used this blog as a release of words on life and all that goes with it, it seems that real life honesty is very taboo. Strange, I have actually experienced that before by sharing with a gathering of women exactly what God had laid on my heart to speak, when it turned out that the message wasn't "warm-fuzzy" enough for that audience. Ahh, the body of Christ. See, the thing is, it's easy to paint on a face and pretend that life is just peachy. It's easy to smile and nod and tell everyone that everything is fine. It's easy to pretend for the sake of saving face and seeming good. But it's not honest and it's not real. But then when honesty happens, oh how quickly the mouths of the "saints" move amongst each other!

Alas, though, that is not my concern. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. And indeed, we are being resurrected. He is faithful and He is good, and so I will praise the Name of the Lord!

Daniel 11:35 says, "Some of the wise will stumble, so that they may be refined, purified, and made spotless until the time of the end." Not that I would for a moment claim to be wise (I think one could clearly see that through my discourse here), but I do know that God desires to refine, purify and make spotless, and I can see God's gentle hand of love and correction all over my life. And just as Job cried out to God, so now do I cry out, "My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

One of my favorite verses of Scripture comes out of Job 40:6, "Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm." That's the voice that I so desire to hear. That is the voice that will speak truth and honesty, love and grace. That is the voice that speaks rebuke and discipline, compassion and mercy. Oh, I have so much to learn about following Him, but may my voice fall in line with His, sound like His and speak His words. 

My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord. 

Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever.

Psalm 145:21

Grace and peace, y'all.

Watch out devil! The shackles are off!!

Oh mercy, how distracted and discouraged I had become through this season. And though the season has not ended completely, God has spoken, and the circumstances will not deter me. The storm was meant to grow me, if only I would allow it. There is no weapon formed against me that can prosper, and so I am lifting my hands and if only you could hear my praise! And of course these darn hormones bring the tears! Watch out devil. It's time to revisit some old conversations and stir things up again. We're moving forward!

33 Weeks...Getting closer, and bigger

Ok, here we are. 33 weeks and counting. Yes, there is only one baby in there, but it seems that she is a bit large. Last week I had a growth scan and ultrasound done and she was weighing in a 5lb 6oz. At 32 weeks!! I know newborns born at that weight!! And this one still has 7 weeks to grow, or so.  

She is getting heavy, my hips are taking a beating these days, but if you will notice, I still have ankles and toes, mostly. Work is getting harder, but I seem to make it around. My prego waddle is a lot more noticeable by the end of a shift! But my sugar levels are good, baby Hannah is super active (she loves to bounce her fat head on my bladder!), and we're moving along.

I've been doing a bit of nesting lately, trying desperately to feel more prepared. So I got her a little gown to go home from the hospital, complete with socks and a blanket.

And this super cool diaper caddy that I just love!! Now, the diapers currently in there are a bit large, and they are for Princess Juju. I haven't had the strength or energy to attempt to potty train Juju yet, so the diapers remain. But there will be smaller diapers in fun caddy once Hannah comes to join us on the outside.

Ok, that's where we are now. Grace and peace y'all!

Continuing the Journey

So, as I continue to journey of remembering, I stumbled upon this. I wrote it after spending a few months in South Africa and experiencing God's healing hand in a mighty way. All I can say is what a long, strange trip it's been. 

I remember Your goodness, Father. Please restore to me the joy of Your salvation.

 A Long Night’s Journey Into Day

It’s been a long night’s journey into day and my feet are growing weary from the travel. Just on the horizon a fire grows brighter, but I’ve traveled so long in darkness that my body recoils from the light. As much as the flesh draws back, though, the heart pushes on closer to the rays of sunshine coming up over the land. This journey began long ago, long before my feet ever touched the ground, but this very day was known in all its splendor and detail to the One who pieced me together. The sun is now coming up.

The night was so long as I ran from sun’s outstretched rays. Around the world I went just to outrun that fire in the sky that consumes all darkness, revealing what is hidden and dragging out into the open that which is well concealed. Through turning my back on God, through the rape, through the drugs and alcohol, through the hatred and rage, through the violence and lawlessness that became normal life, watch me run. “This is the verdict: light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.”

But running without rest leaves the soul tired and dry, cracked on the heels, blistered on the toes, and parched at the lips. The heart resents the consistently fast pace and the body wearies of the pounding. It all begins to fall apart.

There is no depth too deep that God’s arms cannot reach you.

There is just no depth too deep.

“In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness but the darkness has not understood it.” What I could not understand was the mercy that was being offered to me. What I could not understand was the forgiveness being given to me. What I could not understand was how a King could take my punishment upon himself. What I could not understand was a love so unconditional that even the darkness within me was covered by the blood He shed. What I could not understand was that no matter how far or how fast I ran, the Light was still waiting to shine on the horizon of my heart.

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there. If I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like day, for darkness is as light to you.”

So the running stops, and in the wee hours of the morning, the light of the Almighty begins to pierce the bitter obscurity that had become my existence. One by one, my sin, my hurt, my brokenness, my rage, my violence, my irreverence, and my hatred began to take shape, their forms revealed slowly by the long-awaited day. Just as sunshine pours through the tiny window of an unlit prison cell, revealing the cobwebs and dust of a stagnant, stale life, so the Light began to illuminate my life, causing my eyes to squint and turn away, and my heart to break for all the atrocities it harbored for so long.

Africa surrounds me now, where the rays of the mighty fire dance on the mountains just over the waters of the deep blue.

I am the acacia tree that sways as the Spirit blows.

I am the lion who stretches out in the warm air.

I am the hospitality that was so generously given to God’s servants.

I am the colors woven into the old woman’s dress.

I am the church bell chiming to the people.

I am the drum beating to the sound of a new life.

I am the rock crying out in the silence.

I am the child lifting her hands up to her daddy to be held.

I am the broken man sitting in the cold prison cell.

I am the babe living with the fatal disease.

I am the prostitute weeping at the feet of the great Teacher.

I am the dirty kid begging in the streets for a piece of bread.

I am the guitar that belts out melodies of thanksgiving and

I am the voice that cannot sing loud enough.

I am the mountain that can be moved by His mere voice.

I am the imperfect broken vessel that is being used by the Perfect Creator,

and I am the immovable cold prison walls that do not give way.

I am a small reflection of the immeasurable grace

that was so easily poured out to me.

I am the tear that rolls down the cheek of the hardened criminal.

I am the hardened criminal.

I am the forgiveness offered to the rapist behind bars,

and I am the victim turned survivor of that very rape.

I am a picture of all that is wrong, and I am picture of all that is right.

Africa surrounds me and has enveloped my heart.

The incredible sun now hangs just above the mountains that dump into the oceans where my sin is buried. The Light now touches all that was once hidden, the cobwebs are torn down, the dust is brushed off, and what was once stagnant and stale is being moved out, stirred up, and stretched beyond all comfort for the glory of God. “For God, who said, ‘Let light shine out of darkness,’ made His light to shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.” So it has been a long night’s journey into day, and it will now be a long day’s journey Home.

Grace and peace, y'all. Grace and peace.