Coming out of her shell

I love being a mother. I adore my girls and have so enjoyed watching them grow up. They inspire me to be a better woman, as I often wonder if the person they see is someone they would like to be like someday. Every now and then, I will hear one of them say, "Mama, I want to be just like you when I grow up." Oh how that melts my heart! But every now and then I will hear one of them say something that is not so nice, with a harsh tone and unkind words, and I will know exactly where she learned to speak like that. I breaks my heart and challenges me to do better. They echo and mimic everything they see and hear, so my mirrors follow me around as an ever-present reminder of my desperate need for Jesus.

I have watched them grow, their precious personalities and heart develop into the people who God is creating, and I absolutely love the process. I love that their personalities are different, so unique to who they are. My first-born is bold and carefree. She lacks virtually any inhibition or fear, though every now and then will demonstrate some restraint. My second-born on the other hand, is very reserved, cautious almost. She is much more of an observer and would prefer to take in a scene in its entirety before deciding to engage in it.

My father jokingly says that my first-born is the who will say here, "Here, hold my beer. I want to try that!" while her younger sister will sit back to watch, seeing if her sister lives or dies from the experience, before she will even point a toe in the direction of action.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

But on this trip here in Africa, my Juju has surprised me thoroughly. I have seen her come out of her shell like never before. I have seen her boldly greet people, shaking their hands and interacting. I have watched her eat anything and everything that has been put in front of her. I have watched her lead children around, teaching the ABC's and drawing shapes in the sand. I have been amazed at her love of people and her eloquence to interact with them. She has truly been stunning!

And now, now she wants to go to school. She asks me everyday, "Mommy, is tomorrow the day that I get to go to school?" This coming from the girl who has cried virtually every time that she is taken to Sunday School class. But now, she says that she is excited to go to school. Praise God, because that crying at drop-off is just heart-wrenching!

You see it would be easy to label the girls as being this or that, but what I have seen is that you can never, ever, put anyone in a box with a label on it, because you just don't know what God is doing. He says in His Word that He is a doing a new thing, and so even that which we may recognize as something we have seen before, may come out to be completely different.

I look at my precious girls, and often wonder about their future. I wonder who they will be, what they will be like, and how God will use them to impact this world. I wonder if they will be leaders of many, teachers of the Word, humble servants of God. I wonder where they will serve and in what capacity.

I pray for their hearts, for the protection of their precious wellsprings of life, that even as it may be broken in this fallen world, it would not be crushed to despair. I pray that they would be set apart, making bold stands in their spheres of influence. And I pray that Jesus would be so real and alive in their lives, that His love just pours out into every one around them.

That is the joy of a mother, to watch her babies come out of their shells and be used for the glory of God.

That is the joy of a mother.

Making a Plan

So, I have issues. Seriously, who among us does not, but I am not only aware of my issues, but am wanting to face them head on. Not by my strength alone, because if I could conquer them by my strength, they wouldn't truly be issues that I am struggling with. But the thing is, I don't want to pass these on. I think that there is some validity to the idea of generational curses if they are left to rule and wreak havoc in our lives, and until they are faced head-on and conquered in the Name of Jesus Christ, they are too easily passed on. So my desire is that my issues end with me.

See, the thing with issues is that they can seriously take up your time and energy as you obsess and are consumed by them, drawing your attention away from God and the marvelous things that He wants to do. The biggest issue that I am facing right now is my struggle with weight and my addiction to food. I hate typing that. I hate seeing it actually put out there, and even in this moment I am wondering if I should post this at all. Somehow putting down in print makes it real, and not just some silly notion floating in my head. No, it's real. I don't want others to know my weaknesses, like German Chocolate cupcakes with

coconut frosting on them. I know there's a plate of them sitting on my counter, but if I know me like I think I do, they won't be there for much longer. Disgusting, isn't it?

It shouldn't be that hard. It shouldn't be that difficult to walk away from a plate of cupcakes, or any other sweet, or fried, or baked anything. It just requires a small amount of will power, right? I can control what I put into my mouth. Well, I should be able to control what I put in my mouth. But for some reason, I will start the day off with the best of intentions to eat healthy, but by mid-day, I find myself blowing it, completely oblivious to the vows I made just a few hours earlier. That is, right up until I glance at myself in the mirror and wonder who the overweight broad is that has taken up residency in my body. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate that my clothes don't fit and I hate that I actually had to go up a size, or two. I hate that I had to look in the "Big Lady's" store to find clothes that fit this stretched out body. I hate that I can't go into normal stores now, as they don't carry my size.

Humiliating.

Why can't I beat this? Why is this such a stronghold in my life? I have been drug addictions. I have beat alcoholism. I have beat so many other issues in my life. Why is this one so strong over me? I have to beat this. I will not pass this on to my daughters.

I'm making a plan to beat it. Again, somehow putting it out there for all the world to know, or all two people who read this blog, makes me accountable. Makes it real. So, here goes:

I have started the "The Couch to 5K Running Plan." (Thank you, Donita, for sharing it.) I have officially finished Day 3. Whew! Don't mock the title. I fit into the "couch" category currently. But did I mention that I have finished Day 3?

I am swimming on the days that I am not walk/running. I grew up swimming competitively, so this is something I can flow back into, obviously much slower and weaker, but I can still float in water.

Sunday I will rest (Sabbath and all).

100 crunches a day (I need to learn how to work these in. Not really looking forward to it. My belly looks like it has carried three babies. Oh wait, it has. I guess the Oreos don't really help it either.)

30 push ups a day. Again, not really excited about this, but my arms have that old-lady-hang-down working for them, and that's just not right.

What else...so, my plan is to do a 5K race in October. October 11th, to be exact. Wanna suffer...I mean, run it with me?

From there, assuming I am still standing and able to walk, I will start training for a half marathon in January. January 17th to be exact. Wanna join me? Seriously, I need accountability for this one.

AND THEN, if I am still standing, able to feel my feet and walk at that point, well I'm just gonna have to sign myself up for a triathlon in May. I don't have the exact date for that one yet, but I will. And I actually have a friend who has already committed to doing that one with me! Thank you, Claire!

Ok, so I realize that this has addressed the fitness aspect of my body, but has really just skirted over the whole food addiction aspect of it. Intentionally. See, I'm still working on that one. I have overcome lots of obstacles in my lifetime. I have beat addictions and walked away from things that the devil intended to use for my destruction. This one, though. This seems to be such a silent battle, in which I feel so alone, and guilty, and humiliated.

If I have a rough morning with the kids, I'll eat. Chocolate of course. Cures whatever ails you. Unless what ails you is obesity, and then it just debilitates you. Then I feel guilty for further debilitating myself, so I eat more chocolate to comfort myself. Yeah, it really doesn't work, but somehow, in my mind, it makes sense at the time. If I'm stressed over finances, I'll eat. If I'm tired from a long night with the baby, I'll eat. If I'm procrastinating from writing in the afternoon, when the rest of the house is asleep and it's only me and a kitchen full of food, I'll eat. Honestly, it really doesn't matter what the reason. There's always some reason. And it's not like I saunter into the kitchen and grab some carrot sticks. No. No, no. I grab the oreos, or the tortillas, or something that I just know will continue to destroy my body, yet I don't seem to care. At that moment.

"...man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." Deuteronomy 8:30

But if we could live on bread alone, I'd want mine with butter. Ok, I know that was...I was going to say tasteless, but really, I can just taste the bread with rich, creamy butter on it. This is an awkward, uncomfortable topic for me, so my heart would much rather dance around it than stare it in the face. To stare it in the face is to look at, and acknowledge, my own brokenness. Never pretty.

Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. I think that I have been craving the bread rather than the words of my Lord. That's a problem, and a hindrance to true growth. Job says this in 23:12, "I have not departed from the commands of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread." I think that might be my next memory verse. I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. This is my heart's desire. But instead, right now my god is my stomach, and my glory is in my shame. My mind is on earthly things.

Father, I will treasure the words of Your mouth more than my daily bread. I ask You for the grace and strength to accomplish that which You have put in my heart to do. It's time for new growth, and not in the waistline. Teach me to make sacrifices, that my heart would be fully set on You, no distractions from earthly things. I praise You Lord for all that You have planned, and surrender everything to Your will. In Jesus' Name,

Amen

My Heart's Desire

I have seen a life of faith lived in complete abandon to worldly traditions,

a heart so devoted to prayer for every direction,

a mind so fully dependent on His very Word,

a tongue that so boldly speaks His truth,

and feet that are directed by His command alone.

I want that.

I have seen a heart so overwhelmed with gratitude that it cannot be contained,

ears so in tune to His voice as to hear His gentle whisper,

hands so willing to give everything for the sake of sharing His Name,

eyes that are able to see God’s children as the beauty He created,

and a life so disciplined in its pursuit of God.

I want that.

What about you? What do you desire for your spiritual journey?

Jehovah Jireh

I love breastfeeding. I know there are plenty of women out there who do not like a single thing about it, and some who were just never able to, but I have to say, unabashedly, I love breastfeeding. Now don’t get me wrong, we have had our rough spots. The first two weeks of it, with all three girls, are by far right up there with childbirth pains. To have a tiny little cheese-grater rubbing against such a tender and sensitive area is not easy at all. And I have just recently recovered from a nasty bout of mastitis, but after that has healed, it’s smooth sailing.

I love being able to hold my sweet angel so close, so tight, so intimate, to watch her nursing and know that she is growing strong and healthy because of what it coming from my body. It really is just amazing. To see her facial expressions go from one of anxious hunger to peaceful satisfaction as she is gulping down my milk is so rewarding as a mommy. And those tender moments when she falls asleep on the breast, her satisfied smile breaking the latch on the breast as she rolls back into deep slumber. It’s enough to make me cry such joy. I know that I have provided for her and she is at peace. I just love it.

On the flipside, it absolutely breaks my heart when I cannot provide for her. Those times when she is so worked up in her infant cries, too mad to calm down and suckle, too overcome by the circumstance to realize that all she has to do is suck; those times frustrate and sadden me. All I can is hold her close and tight until she calms down enough to eat again.

“Calm down baby girl. Shhhhh. Settle down so you can. Shhhh,” says the mommy in order to soothe her baby.

I am reminded that it is also a reflection of the goodness of our God, who so loves to take care and provide for His children, if only the children will calm down enough to look to Him. I imagine that God feels that same sort of satisfaction when we allow Him to be our provider, protector and caretaker, as a baby is lulled back to peaceful rest by the loving care and provision of her mother.

Often times, especially in this culture, we are quick to take care of situations ourselves. We are accustomed to having things planned out and knowing where our next meal will come from. We are accustomed to having steady jobs with consistent incomes, and should we lack anything, we can simply hop in the car and head to the local Walmart or Target without ever giving it a thought. We are accustomed to providing for ourselves. It’s just how life happens here. It is so incredibly difficult to learn to depend on God here.

In 2001, I made my first trip to Kenya. I knew that it would change me forever, but I had no idea how much it would rock my world. Incidentally, that was when I met the man who would later become my husband, but that’s a different story. I lived in a small village several hours from any city, and the water pipes that supplied the wells for the people had been high jacked by a corrupt government. So at any point in time, the water flow to the village would be cut off, diverted somewhere else, and our wells would run dry. For days. No water. For days. Imagine going days without any water available. No showers. No flushing toilets. No cleaning cookware. No washing laundry. I was volunteering at a missionary hospital at the time, and we would have to trek down a few miles to a nearby creek, fill up buckets of water from the creek, and tote them the miles back to the hospital so that we could scrub in for surgery. Scrubbing in with creek water. This was the first time in my life that I knew what it was to truly depend on God as Provider, Jehovah Jireh. The people of the village would come together and pray. I mean PRAY. Cry out to God for the very sustenance they needed to survive. And God would send rain to fill the wells. God would provide, and I believe that He smiled with such joy as His children danced with gratitude in that rain that He provided. I believe that He loves to provide, if only His children would ask.

Jesus was teaching when he said this:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him?”

So, for as much as we are able to ask, God loves to provide, but we have to make sure that we are asking for the right things with right motives. James admonishes us with this:

“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

Ouch. I think he’s calling us selfish, materialistic. Yeah, he’s probably right. You see, I believe that God loves to give and provide for His children, as a fantastic father would, but that He reserves the right to lavish upon us if the resources He provides will not glorify His name. Maybe our hearts have not learned gratitude, or maybe we have not learned how to be content with the overabundance that we already have. Who knows the reasons? His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts.

Well, we are now moving into a new challenge. I have officially completed #63 on my list of 101 goals, which was to resign from my job and become a stay/work at home mom. It actually just means that I have shifted my focus of ministry from the hospital to my family and Unite 4 Africa. This comes with challenges as we continually pray for God to provide for our daily bread. We are praying for the God who owns the cattle on a thousand hills to bless us as we walk in obedience to His calling. This can easily bring up panic in me, stressing over things that I cannot control, as I like to have the plan laid out for me, to know in advance…I want to know that everything will easily be taken care of and we don’t have to sacrifice anything. As if life worked that way.

Can you hear it?

“Shhhh, baby girl. Just calm down. Settle down, and know that I am God, your Father. Shhh, baby girl,” says Abba Father in order to sooth His daughter to trust and believe.

Two things I ask of you, of Lord;
do not refuse me before I die:
Keep falsehood and lies far from me;
Give me neither poverty nor riches,
But give me only my daily bread.
Otherwise I may have too much and disown you and say, ‘Who is the Lord?’
Or I may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.

Praise You Father, Jehovah Jireh.

What about you? What are you believing God for in your life?

More to the Story

So, a few days ago, I introduced you to Mary. This morning I learned more about her, enough to bring me to tears even now as I think and pray about her. The Rev and I came back into Kisumu on Friday, and so were not out in the village to spend time with her and the family. David brought us back into town, and then returned to Kisumu late
Saturday afternoon. Upon his return to the village, he was told that Mary had been causing trouble, fighting, physically fighting with the other orphan boys who are there, being troublesome and fighting with the women there, and that she was now demanding to leave.
So Sunday morning, David drove her back to the place that she wanted to go, which was another village about 100 miles away. When they arrived to the house, they were greeted by an old mama, who said that she did indeed know and love Mary, and that Mary had been living with them for the past eight years. She then began to tell David the story of Mary.
Mary is the child of a prostitute, who was married to a man who did not claim Mary as his own. She was beaten and abused as a throw-away child, and when the mother died of sickness, Mary was left to the streets. At the tender age of 8yrs old, Mary was taken off of the streets of Nakuru (a small city between Kisumu and Nairobi) by an older lady, who then gave Mary to the family where they are now. Who knows how long she had lived on the streets, or the untold atrocities that she faced while on the streets. Those are locked inside of her broken heart. They know that she had been raped several times, and was found being tortured by some men at the time. An 8yr old. This is not just a story to read! This is the life of a precious child, a daughter of the Most High King, who was being used as a valueless object! As the tears flow down, I am torn between outrageous anger and immense grief. Is there no sense of humanity?
So Mary was taken off the streets and given to a barren woman who had no children of her own, where she has been, mostly, for the past eight years. This woman, though, is part of a super-religious sect here in Kenya that goes far beyond what is written in Scripture, to the point of resembling a cult in many of their dealings. They have some rather freakish practices (for lack of a better word) and beliefs that can do great harm to a woman. It too, has not been a healthy environment for Mary. Evidently, this woman had attempted to take Mary back to her family some years back, but they were immediately told to leave by the grandmother and father, saying that the girl did not belong to them, she was the daughter of a prostitute.
Mary evidently has fits of violent rage (who could imagine?), and she is quick to flee an area if she is the least bit uncomfortable. For some time now, Mary has been moving from place to place, staying for a few months at a time, and then moving on the next place. She lets no one in and is quick to defend herself through whatever means possible.
This precious child knows nothing of peace, and desperately needs a Savior. Please pray with us for her. David is to return to that home within some time to check up on Mary and the situation there. Please pray for wisdom as to what needs to happen. Mary has fled from that place many times in the past, and I know that she will do it again. There is a reason that she flees, and I believe that it was no accident that she ended up on the Obong'o Land with this amazing family, and by no coincidence that we were there to meet her. Please pray that we here would have wisdom in how to proceed. Please, please, please, pray for Mary, that she would come to know Jesus, and that through that relationship, she might touch the hem of His robe, and know His healing power.
Father, I ask that Your Name would be known through the testimony of this child, of Your child, that You would heal her in such dramatic and powerful ways, none could deny Your presence in her life. Redeem her days, Father, as only You can, and as You have done so many times throughout history. Restore this precious girl and heal her heart. Jesus, be big...no, be HUGE in her life. Do what only You can do.
Pray with me, brothers and sisters, that it would be so. My heart's desire is to rescue her, to scoop her up into my arms and take her away from all this. My mind says that she has been through enough, let's just take her with us. But we wait on you Jesus, and the revelation of the perfect plan that You have for her life. I know above all else that this child has not been forgotten by her Creator, and that there is a plan for her. I can say that with great confidence. We wait on you Jesus.