Oh, Discipline

Discipline is like a four-letter, dirty word to me. I love to hate it and hate to love it, and yet I am called to it. It's been fairly easy to justify my lack of discipline over the past year, as I was finishing up a pregnancy, and then adjusting to life with our third daughter. You know how lack of sleep just takes everything out of you. But my newborn is almost 8 months old now with 4 teeth in her mouth, newly crawling, and sleeping through the night more often than not. That excuse is becoming less and less viable. I am constantly in awe of these mommy bloggers who are able to get something up everyday. Seriously, there are days that I can't even put a thought together, much less sit for a few moments and put together a somewhat cohesive thought. It makes me feel like such a slacker. But then, I already mentioned that I lack discipline. I am easily distracted, and spend entirely too much time on facebook. When I sit down at the computer, I think that I'll just take a quick peek to see what my friends are up to, and then a half an hour to an hour will pass by and I have nothing to show for it. Seriously, who cares what the latest status update is of an old acquaintance from elementary school is. It's been 15 years (ok, 18 years) since I saw them last, and now my precious time slips away as I peruse pages of people I don't really know. I am time waster of the highest order.

And now I am staring 2010 in the face with a noble list of resolutions and goals for this hopeful upcoming year. But I know in all reality that I will accomplish none of it without changing my dirty word into a lifestyle: D.I.S.C.I.P.L.I.N.E.

So, here I go. I dread putting things down in print, lest I feel foolish when I fail if I fail. I feel like I have become the sort of person who does not finish what she starts, as boredom sets in as the wanderlust passes and I move on to the next whim. I don't like that characterization about myself (did I mention I need discipline?), and so this year I am bound and determined to change it. So I have few guiding goals and resolutions that I setting out for myself. This will be a work in progress, so that I may add/edit as life requires, but this is my starting point:

1. Read the Bible in 90 Days (ambitious, no? join me! you can find out more about here, sign up to be a part of it here, and I'll try to post something about it more later today or so. I've meant to get something posted, but I seem to be quite the procrastinator as well. Did I mention I need discipline? Yeah, working on it.) Amy over at Mom's Toolbox is hosting this fantastic challenge and I am so excited to become part of that community!
2. Finish P90X with an ultimate goal of taking off, well you don't need to know all my business. Let's just say I have a goal to take off some lingering baby weight (ok, it's probably not baby weight anymore, but I'll still squeak some mileage out of that). I'm on day 4 now and my body hates me for it. I keep telling myself it will get better. I hope I'm not lying.
3. Revisit/update my 101 Goals in 1001 Days and get more things crossed off my list.
4. Play that poor, ignored guitar at least 20 minutes a day.
5. Stay off of facebook until my chores/goals for the day have been done. Not even a glance. That will be challenging but so rewarding. I think being a stay at home mommy leaves me really wanting to connect to the outside world sometimes...hence facebook. It's amazing how addicting that can be, though, and no longer productive at all. Imagine!

I have other goals that I have thought of up to this point, but that are not coming to mind right now. Even as it is, this post has been interrupted several times by the pleasant request of a sweet girl to have a book read, or a snack made, or the cries of a hungry baby or one refusing to nap....or any endless list of countless interruptions that make up a normal day in life of mommy. So the goals for finances, diet, organization and whatever else will just have to wait for now. Someday it will all get done, or it will never get done and we just continue to push on.

Ok, so I'm going to stop here just so I can get something up. My crawling baby has worked her way into a corner and becoming quite frustrated. Mommy to the rescue!

Making a Plan

So, I have issues. Seriously, who among us does not, but I am not only aware of my issues, but am wanting to face them head on. Not by my strength alone, because if I could conquer them by my strength, they wouldn't truly be issues that I am struggling with. But the thing is, I don't want to pass these on. I think that there is some validity to the idea of generational curses if they are left to rule and wreak havoc in our lives, and until they are faced head-on and conquered in the Name of Jesus Christ, they are too easily passed on. So my desire is that my issues end with me.

See, the thing with issues is that they can seriously take up your time and energy as you obsess and are consumed by them, drawing your attention away from God and the marvelous things that He wants to do. The biggest issue that I am facing right now is my struggle with weight and my addiction to food. I hate typing that. I hate seeing it actually put out there, and even in this moment I am wondering if I should post this at all. Somehow putting down in print makes it real, and not just some silly notion floating in my head. No, it's real. I don't want others to know my weaknesses, like German Chocolate cupcakes with

coconut frosting on them. I know there's a plate of them sitting on my counter, but if I know me like I think I do, they won't be there for much longer. Disgusting, isn't it?

It shouldn't be that hard. It shouldn't be that difficult to walk away from a plate of cupcakes, or any other sweet, or fried, or baked anything. It just requires a small amount of will power, right? I can control what I put into my mouth. Well, I should be able to control what I put in my mouth. But for some reason, I will start the day off with the best of intentions to eat healthy, but by mid-day, I find myself blowing it, completely oblivious to the vows I made just a few hours earlier. That is, right up until I glance at myself in the mirror and wonder who the overweight broad is that has taken up residency in my body. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate that my clothes don't fit and I hate that I actually had to go up a size, or two. I hate that I had to look in the "Big Lady's" store to find clothes that fit this stretched out body. I hate that I can't go into normal stores now, as they don't carry my size.

Humiliating.

Why can't I beat this? Why is this such a stronghold in my life? I have been drug addictions. I have beat alcoholism. I have beat so many other issues in my life. Why is this one so strong over me? I have to beat this. I will not pass this on to my daughters.

I'm making a plan to beat it. Again, somehow putting it out there for all the world to know, or all two people who read this blog, makes me accountable. Makes it real. So, here goes:

I have started the "The Couch to 5K Running Plan." (Thank you, Donita, for sharing it.) I have officially finished Day 3. Whew! Don't mock the title. I fit into the "couch" category currently. But did I mention that I have finished Day 3?

I am swimming on the days that I am not walk/running. I grew up swimming competitively, so this is something I can flow back into, obviously much slower and weaker, but I can still float in water.

Sunday I will rest (Sabbath and all).

100 crunches a day (I need to learn how to work these in. Not really looking forward to it. My belly looks like it has carried three babies. Oh wait, it has. I guess the Oreos don't really help it either.)

30 push ups a day. Again, not really excited about this, but my arms have that old-lady-hang-down working for them, and that's just not right.

What else...so, my plan is to do a 5K race in October. October 11th, to be exact. Wanna suffer...I mean, run it with me?

From there, assuming I am still standing and able to walk, I will start training for a half marathon in January. January 17th to be exact. Wanna join me? Seriously, I need accountability for this one.

AND THEN, if I am still standing, able to feel my feet and walk at that point, well I'm just gonna have to sign myself up for a triathlon in May. I don't have the exact date for that one yet, but I will. And I actually have a friend who has already committed to doing that one with me! Thank you, Claire!

Ok, so I realize that this has addressed the fitness aspect of my body, but has really just skirted over the whole food addiction aspect of it. Intentionally. See, I'm still working on that one. I have overcome lots of obstacles in my lifetime. I have beat addictions and walked away from things that the devil intended to use for my destruction. This one, though. This seems to be such a silent battle, in which I feel so alone, and guilty, and humiliated.

If I have a rough morning with the kids, I'll eat. Chocolate of course. Cures whatever ails you. Unless what ails you is obesity, and then it just debilitates you. Then I feel guilty for further debilitating myself, so I eat more chocolate to comfort myself. Yeah, it really doesn't work, but somehow, in my mind, it makes sense at the time. If I'm stressed over finances, I'll eat. If I'm tired from a long night with the baby, I'll eat. If I'm procrastinating from writing in the afternoon, when the rest of the house is asleep and it's only me and a kitchen full of food, I'll eat. Honestly, it really doesn't matter what the reason. There's always some reason. And it's not like I saunter into the kitchen and grab some carrot sticks. No. No, no. I grab the oreos, or the tortillas, or something that I just know will continue to destroy my body, yet I don't seem to care. At that moment.

"...man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord." Deuteronomy 8:30

But if we could live on bread alone, I'd want mine with butter. Ok, I know that was...I was going to say tasteless, but really, I can just taste the bread with rich, creamy butter on it. This is an awkward, uncomfortable topic for me, so my heart would much rather dance around it than stare it in the face. To stare it in the face is to look at, and acknowledge, my own brokenness. Never pretty.

Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. I think that I have been craving the bread rather than the words of my Lord. That's a problem, and a hindrance to true growth. Job says this in 23:12, "I have not departed from the commands of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread." I think that might be my next memory verse. I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread. This is my heart's desire. But instead, right now my god is my stomach, and my glory is in my shame. My mind is on earthly things.

Father, I will treasure the words of Your mouth more than my daily bread. I ask You for the grace and strength to accomplish that which You have put in my heart to do. It's time for new growth, and not in the waistline. Teach me to make sacrifices, that my heart would be fully set on You, no distractions from earthly things. I praise You Lord for all that You have planned, and surrender everything to Your will. In Jesus' Name,

Amen