Isn't Life Interesting?

As I have rambled on through life's journey, I have experienced some incredible highs that can only be attributed to the goodness of an amazing God. 

The day that I got married to the man of my dreams was one of those incredible highs, as I knew my Prince Charming, my tall, dark and handsome, had finally come. 

The birth of my daughters were also incredible highs, though I admittedly don't do well with sleep deprivation. 

That is Toria, my big fat baby.

 That is Princess Juju.

Serving God in various regions of Africa have been life-altering highs. Through all these highs, it was with great joy to share the reality of it all with friends and family. But I have also learned in life's journey, that there are incredible lows as well, seasons that seem to go on for far too long and with great pain and heartache. Those realities I have also tried to share for several reasons.

1. May it never seem  like I have it all together, as has been painfully apparent over the last several months. That would be the most incorrect assumption possible. 

2. Maybe someone has been through this ahead of me and can offer some insight or reminders of God's greatness even in these tough times. 

3. Maybe someone is in it now and might not feel so alone in the battle, as the isolation is almost as painful as the battle itself. 

Please don't judge me or my family for this, my brokenness. The night may be dark now, but I know that a morning is coming in some form or another, at some point in time. And I know that with that morning dawn, His mercies are new. So in the meantime, I am craving mercy and craving peace, and longing for the morning dawn.

32 Weeks...And definitely counting!

Ok y'all. So this is purely for posterity's sake, so that there is record of how incredibly large the belly can get. I am 32 weeks today. I confess that I am a little concerned that I have 8 more weeks to grow. More or less. So for those who were asking for belly shots...enjoy!

Remembering

I am remembering that before the chaos of life became the heartache of life, I was not so distracted as I am now. Before the crying of babies, and pain of a broken relationship, God would put words in my heart to write and speak, to give testimony of who He is and what He does. I am remembering that He created me, even me, with gifts to share of His goodness. I am remembering that He did not create me to hide in shame for great failures, but to write of His redemptive power. Somehow, I lost myself in all of this, in the hardships of life and what I thought I was supposed to be. Letting go and moving on is hard, painful, but not impossible. And so I am taking a step, reclaiming who You made me to be.

Here is my first step.

Song of Surrender

     I remember the music clearly, though I cannot recall the melody. At one point, I knew the words to the song, though they escape me now. I remembered hearing how we are to make a new song unto the Lord, and I always thought that was just for those who were gifted in the arts. I remember thinking, “that’s not for me. I don’t have the gift of creativity or music.” But as the music played, with a melody that I knew, though I cannot remember it now, my heart began to make new song unto the Lord. And the melody that I once knew was transformed into the cry of my heart, as the Holy Spirit danced out the melody of me. 

I felt it, the Spirit, tangible, thick in my hands, but somehow not heavy or oppressive. Like a web that will not come off the fingers or out of the hair, without the impending fear of getting bit by that which spun the web. Like a thickness that enveloped my body, like a wax that poured over me, to remain warm and moldable, with room to move and fresh air to breathe. Covering, but not smothering. Encasing, but not smoldering. It filled me up, then invited me to dance. It wrapped me up, then unraveled me. And the song that I once knew was not the song that I sang, but became the backdrop of a new song altogether. I sang a song of surrender.

     My mouth, it mumbled at first, full of fear to form the words that danced all over my tongue. What if it came out wrong? What if my song made no sense or didn’t rhyme? What if it just didn’t sound right? But the words continued to dance, and my mouth began to form them for want of any other option. And it sang a song of surrender.

     The surrender flowed, deeper and deeper, and the melody intermingled with the Spirit, and the very air that I breathe, and my voice became clear and loud. And I sang a song of surrender.

     I surrender my fears, as I have so many. I surrender my need for control. I surrender my comfort, as it is a constant reminder of how little my faith truly is. I surrender my relationships, and those whom I love, as I know that You loved them first. I surrender my life to the plans of the Creator, to be used to carry out the Great Commission as He desires. I surrender my crowns, my desires, and my heart. I surrender the throne to the One who truly belongs on it. I sang a song of surrender.

     As I sang and my voice rang clearer, the weaknesses that were handed over became glory to the Christ. The Spirit draped itself over areas that were once my burdens to carry and my back became straighter and taller. I felt the Christ come under my arm, His strength holding me up higher than I’ve ever stood. The tears came pouring down, as I saw all that was ugly lifted from my back and placed on His, His smile unwavering and His strength unfailing. I turned my head in shame, paralyzed by my pride, and His hand gently touched my cheek, turning me to face Him fully.

Don’t be afraid, child. I’m with you now, as I always was.

Let’s finish this together.

And I sang a song of surrender.

Journey to Remember

I am on a journey to remember how good You are, as lately the view has been a bit clouded. But I know that there was a time that I fell head over heels in love with You and was sold out enough to follow You to the ends of the earth. But life got busy and life got messy, and I forgot who You were in the midst of it all. So now as I cry out for You to restore to me the joy of Your salvation, I ask You to help me remember who You were, who You are, and who You remain to be.

Help me to remember that You are not tied to my circumstances, as that is not true faith. Then, when the wolf huffs and puffs and blows my house down, I will raise my hands to praise You for at least sparing my life.

Help me to remember that You are not like man, so that when the disappointing reality of brokenness sets in, my relationship with You is not broken as well.

Help me to remember that You are not the struggles I go through but the strength that sustains me so that when I feel hopeless and helpless, I will go to the right source for renewal.

Help me to remember that once I was dead and it was You who brought me to life, so that I can know that even now a resurrection is possible.

Help to remember that you saved me for a purpose, and that even still have You know the plans You have for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Help me to remember.

Help me to remember that all grace and peace comes from You.

May it be to me as you have said...

So, I am embarking on a new journey of sorts. Yeah, like I need anything else, right, but this is one of utmost importance. I am getting reacquainted with Jesus. These past several months have been quite challenging, and have brought about a sort of crisis of faith in my heart. So many answers that would have easily rolled off of my tongue a year ago bring bitter questions now. I am desperate for this silence from Heaven to be broken, and am realizing that I am the biggest obstacle to that happening. My heart has been wrenched with bitter disappointments and unanswered requests, leaving me at times feeling forgotten altogether.

But today I began to ponder on the life of the young Mary, Jesus' mother, and became humbled and embarrassed at the depth of her humility and desire to glorify her God. The young virgin was put in a very precarious position when she became pregnant. I can only imagine the talk that went on about her, the lack of grace shown to her. I can imagine the kinds of things the people would say, about how they thought she was such a nice girl, how she always seemed so devoted to God, and yet look at her now. Pregnant and not yet married. What a scandal. 

I would imagine that the situation was not ideal for her either. She was betrothed to be married. She was doing her best to do the right thing, going through the right steps. This was not was she had signed on for. And yet, she demonstrated such faith in the wonders of her God, that her simple response has just rocked me. 

"I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

I wonder if she really knew what she was saying. I wonder if she had any idea of the implications of all that the angel was saying to her. Gabriel told her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you." huh? What does that mean? Did she know what that would mean? What would that feel like? What would that look like? Would she fall on the ground with a shaking body, like one sees on the televangelist programs? Would a light shine around her and angels sing in the background? Did she not wonder about what these things meant? Even if she did, her reply was simple.

"I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

I wonder if she knew the Scriptures well enough to make some connections in her own heart of the things that the angel said. I wonder if silently she rejoiced as she thought of the words of Isaiah in comparison to what Gabriel was saying to her. 

Isaiah said, "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."

Gabriel said, "You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus."

Isaiah said, "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever."

Gabriel said, "He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."

I just wonder at what point Mary put these things together, or if she ever fully did. No matter, though, because at that moment, in the moment that the request was made of her to sacrifice her plans and agenda and ideas of how life should go, her answer was simple.

"I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

Yeah, I could use a dose of that. As I am wading through a pond of self-pity for sacrifices made and dreams set aside, I realize that I have a lot to learn about being the Lord's servant. And so as I embark on this journey back to the Throne of Grace, I resolve in my heart to say one thing:

I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said.

Pulling it Together

Ok, so today has been a much better day than yesterday, with no meltdowns and no tears. My man made it safely through London, and should now be sleeping in Nairobi. I had a good morning out with my girls, who are now napping...well, one of them is. I realized that I have plenty of things around here to keep me busy for the next month, and beyond, so I'm digging in, starting with the laundry. I also received a healthy reminder of where my help comes from, even if it doesn't feel like it at times. So I wanted to share this song with whomever might check out this blog, just in case you might need some encouragement as well. 

Grace and peace y'all.

Endorsement for Mary Kay

So, I am usually not one to endorse products, but I must say that the eye depuffing gel (I'm sure there's a real name for it, but it escapes me) really does work. I know because I used it this morning, and it took my eyes from a puffy, red mess, to semi-presentable. See, the tears have been flowing since last night and I'm really trying to get control, but for now, I'm relying on Mary Kay.

Last night I had a wonderful evening with my family, and an even better night with my hubby (hm-hm). And as I sat in the bathroom in the dark while the whole house slept, the tears began to drip. It's going to be a long month. Between the pregnancy hormones, a touch of exhaustion from work, and thinking about the month to come, I just could not seem to get a grip. And so I wept and wept and wept and thought about how hard it would be to sleep with swollen eyes and a stuffy nose. 

This morning I watched my man walk through the security gates at the airport, ready to board a plane for East Africa where he will be working for the next month. As a servant of God, I support him and send him off with my full blessings. It is important that he go in obedience, and now is the time. But as a wife and a mommy (prego mommy no less), I might err on the selfish side by wanting him actually here with me and the kids. 

I like my husband, and I like him being around. I enjoy talking with him and ending my day with him. I like climbing into bed at night and knowing that he is there, and that I will wake up next to him in the morning. And so now tonight, as I think about how cold that bed is, I am having a fantastic pity party, tears streaming, swollen prego face even more swollen, wishing that a month weren't really as long as a month. When we got back into the van at the airport, ready to come home without him, my precious three-year-old said, "Don't worry mommy. Daddy will be home tomorrow." I want a month like that. 

All that to say, if you have not yet tried Mary Kay's depuffing eye gel stuff, I highly recommend it. I'll be using it again in the morning. And maybe if you think about, could you just say a prayer for me, that I might actually have strength enough to be a support and good mommy to my girls rather than needing their encouragement? Yeah, that would probably be a good thing. 

In the meantime, here's a picture of my sweet ballerina waiting for her class to start. She wasn't the least bit anxious or excited about it.

Open, Open, Open...When will this door open???

A Redeeming Trip to the Children's Museum

So, this past Friday I thought we would attempt to redeem Fun Friday, and even venture back to the Tucson Children's Museum. If you recall, our last trip to the Children's Museum was less than fun. So I thought we'd give it another go. This trip was so much fun, and definitely redeemed Fun Friday.

We started off by doing a little operation.

That would be my baby girl extracting a bone. Just makes a mama proud!

And while big sister was completing her surgery, little Juju found a baby doll...

cause that's what she does.

That look is classic for her...

excuse me...you are in the princess' space. 

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

so I can change my baby. Thank you.

Toria thought the motorcycle was so incredibly cool.

And then it was craft time, where Toria proudly practiced writing her letters. 

Music time!!

So, they thought the dinosaur was super cool...right up until it moved, then it was cool no longer.

If you notice the pigtails, they're in motion. As they ran back to where I was sitting, yelling, "He's gonna eat me!"  Yeah, they might have nightmares over that one. 

And then, we came upon this! This wonderful contraption, this marvelous creation. It had little silver balls that were being shot all over the thing through various tunnels and routes, and then lifted the balls back up again on a hoyer lift sort of thing, just to shoot them out again (didn't that sound technical!). This slowed my three year old down. Froze her in her tracks, mezmerized. She was like a bug looking at the light..."I can't help it..." 

Do you see that look? My baby is so inquisitive. I have seen that look many times over, as the wheels are turning and she's trying to figure out how it works, how she can take it apart, and how it can be rebuilt. 

Seriously, sucked her in.

I've gotta get one of these for the house.

We ended the trip with some simple puzzles and sit-down time.

Juju is learning and learning, trying with everything in her to keep up with her sister. She was worn out by this point.

But somehow this little mind just keeps on going. If I could have an ounce of her energy, I'd be in great shape.

We had such a great time! 

No stolen drums. 

No wet pants. 

No lost children. 

No broken shoes. 

Fun Friday is back. hehe.

Time to catch up...

Goodness. It's been a long time since I have been able to sit down and allow my thoughts to flow. I've been trying to figure out my new normal without realizing that I was already in the midst of it. Somehow, in the middle of all the chaos of work and school and family, we are all still alive and doing well. To those who have left well-wishes and have prayed for me/us, I cannot thank you enough. Please know that I have not forgotten you. I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

This leg of my journey has certainly been interesting, to say the least. I would be lying if I tried to play it off as if I have trusted God through the whole process, as if I haven't been angry and doubting Him in general. That would just make me a liar. But I know that He knows the truth of my heart and the journey it has taken. And I know of His great patience and mercy through it all. 

What I have noticed is that it really didn't take long for angry emotions to become an angry heart, for a couple of crass comments to become a wicked tongue, for a few days away from Scripture to become, well... too long away. And still, He is patient and merciful.

I still have many questions, such as, "what about those times that God doesn't come through?" But most of my questions probably will not be answered until I get Home. But work is going okay as I have gotten back into the swing of nursing. I did miss it more than I thought I did and more than I ever imagined I would. I did not miss the stress of it, though, nor did I miss the hours away from my family. As my belly grows, my feet seem to swell up a little more than what is natural, but I won't be pregnant for too much longer, and the swelling eventually goes down. My baby girl is growing well and will cook in my tummy for another 15 weeks or so. School is going okay too, as I cruise through the courses I need to finish up my BS in nursing. 

This is probably a bit scattered, but it seems like too much has happened to try to make sense of it all. Someday, I would like to be an actual blogger. I would like to write on a regular basis and explore God through the gifts that He has given me. Even now I have several blog entries that I started weeks ago tat not got finished due to time constraints...one was even about New Year's resolutions and getting more organized to have more time. That obviously didn't work. Someday I would like to have a clean house for more than an hour or so, a floor that isn't sticky with food spots all over it. I would like to be a better wife who cooks dinner for her family on a more regular basis and actually gets to the grocery store more than once a month. But right now, we have cereal for dinner for often than we should, the floor has sticky spots all over it, and cleaning has become an exercise in futility as my girls are entertaining themselves and I am trying to get my schoolwork done. And that's this season of life. 

I don't have anymore answers than I did a few months ago, and I don't know if God will "come through" for us anymore in the future, but I know that He remains to be God, and somehow in the midst of all of this, my focus has become figuring out how to praise Him still, figuring out how to find a calm, quiet place even for a few moments each day to remind my heart who the King is. 

And so, my days are busy still, my girls are growing like mad, and my husband is still traveling to Africa for weeks at a time (actually leaving again in about a week). Through it all, though, I will seek contentment in the love of Christ, and I will unwaveringly pledge my allegiance to the Lamb of God alone. I promise I will try to do better with posting...maybe more than once every three months. That's my goal. I know...I'm aiming big here.

Grace and peace to y'all. Thanks for sticking with me.

Because sometimes, life is just messy

Hey y'all! My sincerest apologies for just leaving y'all hanging. I know it has been well over a month since I posted anything at all, and even tonight I don't have much time to say much, as I am sitting in class trying not to let the click, click, click of the keyboard be too much of a distraction to anyone. Whoa, that was a long sentence. Life has change a bit for me over the past few months. Ok, it has changed drastically, and I just have to say that sometimes, life is just messy. Those sweet little "Christian" answers that so easily rolled off the tongue several months ago seem shallow and empty these days, as I feel like a dream I once held so tightly has all but slipped away.
Ok, maybe not totally slipped away, but has been drastically altered; as I went from being a homeschooling, Bible-teaching, stay at home housewife (living the dream), to a full-time student (again), full-time nurse (again), pregnant (again), having to leave my kids with others to raise so that I can work. Sometimes, life is just messy.
And so, as much as my mind has been reeling with thoughts with share, time has been limited, hormones have been flowing, and brain has been occupied with thoughts of healthcare communication. My heart is full of questions as I battle anger and resentment to this incredible change of plans. I have wondered where God is in the midst of it all. Those simple answers such as "God will provide" don't sit as well on the heart as I am standing in line with my food stamps application.
Anyway, life is just messy sometimes, and right now I am wading through a particularly thick part. But I'm still standing, head above water, and as I find a new balance and a new normal, I will share more of this interesting journey. Thanks for hanging with me, and for those who have asked, thanks for your concern. I'm here, and I'll get back to you. Until next time, grace and peace. I certainly need more of that these days.