Head in the Sand

Tonight, I wish I could bury my head in the sand. I wish I didn't feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wish that I could live a "normal" day-in and day-out life. I wish I had a good paying job in which I could don a power suit five days a week, go into a nice office setting and work with competent co-workers, leaving at the end of the day feeling accomplished and appreciated. I wish I could have a sense of fulfillment from having something to show for a hard day's work and then come home to an expectant family and children who are happy to see me. I wish my job description and daily expectations were clear, because I like to do my job well. I wish I could feel the sense of accomplishment of climbing up a corporate ladder and receiving positive feedback for a job well done. I wish my weekends were full of play and relaxation, cramming in fun activities that get pushed to the back burner during the busy work week.

I don't know. I'm not really one to harbor regrets, but for some reason these days, I just wonder about things. I wish that I had gone to college closer to my childhood best friend. As children we had always talked about living near each other when we grew up, but for some reason ended up thousands of miles apart during those critical college years. And though we remain to be friends, we are certainly not as close as we could have been. I miss her like crazy, especially these days.

These days I am knee deep in dramatic temper tantrums, dirty diapers, toddler talk, preschool stories, teaching, educating, reminding, cleaning, laundry, cleaning, folding, cleaning, and did I mention dramatic temper tantrums? Just random, unwarranted, non-stop temper tantrums. I am the mother of 3 girls, and the temper tantrums seem to go on all day long, passing from one girl to the next like a hot potato in a vicious cruel game. It's even better when all three are crying at once. And I love it when I ask why one is crying and the answer whines out, "I don't know." Really? This is not the glamour I imagined. I certainly am questioning how the Proverbs 31 woman was able to get her children to rise up and call her blessed, because I am nowhere near that these days. Maybe the day will come and we will all still be sane, especially me.

I know this is random, and it may be more for my benefit to get some things out of my head more than anything else. I know I should be grateful for where I am, sometimes I just have a hard time not coveting the seemingly glamorous life of others who have so much more. Struggling these days to remember that God has not forgotten us. Maybe this is just a rant to get that out.

The Bible in 90 Days

So, I'm a little late in posting this, which really shouldn't surprise anyone at all. I think I've stated before that I'm a bit of a procrastinator, but I'm working on it. This year is the one of discipline, and though I have not posted yet, I am keeping up with my reading. Speaking of which, this post has to be quick, as I have reading to do.

So, I am participating in the Bible in 90 Days reading challenge, and though it is only day 5, I am loving this! In the earlier days of my walk with Jesus, an incredible mentor was placed in my life. To this day I love her dearly and am challenged and inspired by her walk with the Lord and life of faith. When she would speak into my life, the words rolling of her tongue were straight from Scripture, more often than not, word for word. She showed this babe in Christ the power of His Word, the relevance and application to everyday living, and the instruction that God has provided for us. She showed me what it looked like to love the Word. And I mean LOVE the Word. It was the first time I had seen such a passion for the Scripture, and all I knew what I wanted the same.

So I asked for it. I prayed for it. I hungered for it.

And God is faithful to reveal Himself to those who seek His face.

That said, I have studied, poured over, and thoroughly fallen in love with the Word of God. And yet there are still portions that I have not thoroughly read through, much to my chagrin, and certainly not in any sort of chronological order. I tend to get bogged down somewhere around the prophets, which deters efforts altogether.

And so as I embark on my journey for discipline in this upcoming year, I am starting it off with a bang. Yesterday I finished off Genesis and am now cruising through Exodus, and loving it. I think I sometimes forget that it really is a cohesive story, events that happened and shaped the setup for future events. I have also found it amazing, even thus far, to see the sovereignty of God's plan from the very beginning, the wisdom in how He laid it all out, and the mercy in it all.

I've said it before, but I'll say it again. He is just so good, y'all, and it's good to be in His Word. Discipline turns to love, turns to passion, turns to life played out. That's the journey.

Want to join me? It's never too late to jump it. Start where you are and move forward. Check out Mom's Toolbox for the official challenge and daily encouragements. I'll keep you posted, well, as I normally do. Sporadically. haha. Now off to read!

Oh, Discipline

Discipline is like a four-letter, dirty word to me. I love to hate it and hate to love it, and yet I am called to it. It's been fairly easy to justify my lack of discipline over the past year, as I was finishing up a pregnancy, and then adjusting to life with our third daughter. You know how lack of sleep just takes everything out of you. But my newborn is almost 8 months old now with 4 teeth in her mouth, newly crawling, and sleeping through the night more often than not. That excuse is becoming less and less viable. I am constantly in awe of these mommy bloggers who are able to get something up everyday. Seriously, there are days that I can't even put a thought together, much less sit for a few moments and put together a somewhat cohesive thought. It makes me feel like such a slacker. But then, I already mentioned that I lack discipline. I am easily distracted, and spend entirely too much time on facebook. When I sit down at the computer, I think that I'll just take a quick peek to see what my friends are up to, and then a half an hour to an hour will pass by and I have nothing to show for it. Seriously, who cares what the latest status update is of an old acquaintance from elementary school is. It's been 15 years (ok, 18 years) since I saw them last, and now my precious time slips away as I peruse pages of people I don't really know. I am time waster of the highest order.

And now I am staring 2010 in the face with a noble list of resolutions and goals for this hopeful upcoming year. But I know in all reality that I will accomplish none of it without changing my dirty word into a lifestyle: D.I.S.C.I.P.L.I.N.E.

So, here I go. I dread putting things down in print, lest I feel foolish when I fail if I fail. I feel like I have become the sort of person who does not finish what she starts, as boredom sets in as the wanderlust passes and I move on to the next whim. I don't like that characterization about myself (did I mention I need discipline?), and so this year I am bound and determined to change it. So I have few guiding goals and resolutions that I setting out for myself. This will be a work in progress, so that I may add/edit as life requires, but this is my starting point:

1. Read the Bible in 90 Days (ambitious, no? join me! you can find out more about here, sign up to be a part of it here, and I'll try to post something about it more later today or so. I've meant to get something posted, but I seem to be quite the procrastinator as well. Did I mention I need discipline? Yeah, working on it.) Amy over at Mom's Toolbox is hosting this fantastic challenge and I am so excited to become part of that community!
2. Finish P90X with an ultimate goal of taking off, well you don't need to know all my business. Let's just say I have a goal to take off some lingering baby weight (ok, it's probably not baby weight anymore, but I'll still squeak some mileage out of that). I'm on day 4 now and my body hates me for it. I keep telling myself it will get better. I hope I'm not lying.
3. Revisit/update my 101 Goals in 1001 Days and get more things crossed off my list.
4. Play that poor, ignored guitar at least 20 minutes a day.
5. Stay off of facebook until my chores/goals for the day have been done. Not even a glance. That will be challenging but so rewarding. I think being a stay at home mommy leaves me really wanting to connect to the outside world sometimes...hence facebook. It's amazing how addicting that can be, though, and no longer productive at all. Imagine!

I have other goals that I have thought of up to this point, but that are not coming to mind right now. Even as it is, this post has been interrupted several times by the pleasant request of a sweet girl to have a book read, or a snack made, or the cries of a hungry baby or one refusing to nap....or any endless list of countless interruptions that make up a normal day in life of mommy. So the goals for finances, diet, organization and whatever else will just have to wait for now. Someday it will all get done, or it will never get done and we just continue to push on.

Ok, so I'm going to stop here just so I can get something up. My crawling baby has worked her way into a corner and becoming quite frustrated. Mommy to the rescue!