May it be to me as you have said...

So, I am embarking on a new journey of sorts. Yeah, like I need anything else, right, but this is one of utmost importance. I am getting reacquainted with Jesus. These past several months have been quite challenging, and have brought about a sort of crisis of faith in my heart. So many answers that would have easily rolled off of my tongue a year ago bring bitter questions now. I am desperate for this silence from Heaven to be broken, and am realizing that I am the biggest obstacle to that happening. My heart has been wrenched with bitter disappointments and unanswered requests, leaving me at times feeling forgotten altogether.

But today I began to ponder on the life of the young Mary, Jesus' mother, and became humbled and embarrassed at the depth of her humility and desire to glorify her God. The young virgin was put in a very precarious position when she became pregnant. I can only imagine the talk that went on about her, the lack of grace shown to her. I can imagine the kinds of things the people would say, about how they thought she was such a nice girl, how she always seemed so devoted to God, and yet look at her now. Pregnant and not yet married. What a scandal. 

I would imagine that the situation was not ideal for her either. She was betrothed to be married. She was doing her best to do the right thing, going through the right steps. This was not was she had signed on for. And yet, she demonstrated such faith in the wonders of her God, that her simple response has just rocked me. 

"I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

I wonder if she really knew what she was saying. I wonder if she had any idea of the implications of all that the angel was saying to her. Gabriel told her, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you." huh? What does that mean? Did she know what that would mean? What would that feel like? What would that look like? Would she fall on the ground with a shaking body, like one sees on the televangelist programs? Would a light shine around her and angels sing in the background? Did she not wonder about what these things meant? Even if she did, her reply was simple.

"I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

I wonder if she knew the Scriptures well enough to make some connections in her own heart of the things that the angel said. I wonder if silently she rejoiced as she thought of the words of Isaiah in comparison to what Gabriel was saying to her. 

Isaiah said, "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."

Gabriel said, "You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus."

Isaiah said, "For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever."

Gabriel said, "He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."

I just wonder at what point Mary put these things together, or if she ever fully did. No matter, though, because at that moment, in the moment that the request was made of her to sacrifice her plans and agenda and ideas of how life should go, her answer was simple.

"I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said."

Yeah, I could use a dose of that. As I am wading through a pond of self-pity for sacrifices made and dreams set aside, I realize that I have a lot to learn about being the Lord's servant. And so as I embark on this journey back to the Throne of Grace, I resolve in my heart to say one thing:

I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said.

Pulling it Together

Ok, so today has been a much better day than yesterday, with no meltdowns and no tears. My man made it safely through London, and should now be sleeping in Nairobi. I had a good morning out with my girls, who are now napping...well, one of them is. I realized that I have plenty of things around here to keep me busy for the next month, and beyond, so I'm digging in, starting with the laundry. I also received a healthy reminder of where my help comes from, even if it doesn't feel like it at times. So I wanted to share this song with whomever might check out this blog, just in case you might need some encouragement as well. 

Grace and peace y'all.

Endorsement for Mary Kay

So, I am usually not one to endorse products, but I must say that the eye depuffing gel (I'm sure there's a real name for it, but it escapes me) really does work. I know because I used it this morning, and it took my eyes from a puffy, red mess, to semi-presentable. See, the tears have been flowing since last night and I'm really trying to get control, but for now, I'm relying on Mary Kay.

Last night I had a wonderful evening with my family, and an even better night with my hubby (hm-hm). And as I sat in the bathroom in the dark while the whole house slept, the tears began to drip. It's going to be a long month. Between the pregnancy hormones, a touch of exhaustion from work, and thinking about the month to come, I just could not seem to get a grip. And so I wept and wept and wept and thought about how hard it would be to sleep with swollen eyes and a stuffy nose. 

This morning I watched my man walk through the security gates at the airport, ready to board a plane for East Africa where he will be working for the next month. As a servant of God, I support him and send him off with my full blessings. It is important that he go in obedience, and now is the time. But as a wife and a mommy (prego mommy no less), I might err on the selfish side by wanting him actually here with me and the kids. 

I like my husband, and I like him being around. I enjoy talking with him and ending my day with him. I like climbing into bed at night and knowing that he is there, and that I will wake up next to him in the morning. And so now tonight, as I think about how cold that bed is, I am having a fantastic pity party, tears streaming, swollen prego face even more swollen, wishing that a month weren't really as long as a month. When we got back into the van at the airport, ready to come home without him, my precious three-year-old said, "Don't worry mommy. Daddy will be home tomorrow." I want a month like that. 

All that to say, if you have not yet tried Mary Kay's depuffing eye gel stuff, I highly recommend it. I'll be using it again in the morning. And maybe if you think about, could you just say a prayer for me, that I might actually have strength enough to be a support and good mommy to my girls rather than needing their encouragement? Yeah, that would probably be a good thing. 

In the meantime, here's a picture of my sweet ballerina waiting for her class to start. She wasn't the least bit anxious or excited about it.

Open, Open, Open...When will this door open???